"To make a Yorkshire Christmas-Pie. First make a good standing crust, let the wall and bottom be very thick; bone a turkey, a goose, a fowl, a partridge, and a pigeon, Season them all very well, take half an ounce of mace, half an ounce of nutmegs, a quarter of an ounce of cloves, and half an ounce of black-pepper, all beat fine together, two large spoonfuls of salt, and then mix them together. Open the fowls all down the back, and bone them; first the pigeon, then the partridge; cover them; then the fowl, then the goose, and then the turkey, which must be large; season them all well first, and lay them in the crust, so as it will look only like a whole turkey; then have a hare ready cased, and wiped with a clean cloth. Cut it to pieces, that is, joint it; season it, and lay it as close as you can on one side; on the other side woodcocks, moor game, and what sort of wild-fowl you can get. Season them well, and lay them close; put at least four pounds of butter into the pie, then lay on your lid, which must be a very thick one, and let it be well baked. It must have a very hot oven, and will take at least four hours."
Hannah Glasse, The Art of Cookery (1784)Holiday dining doesn't get more efficient than this Christmas pie. Just toss in your calling birds, French hens, turtle doves, and the partridge in a pear tree. You could probably fit a few lords a-leaping in there too, if you've got those on hand.
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| Sir Francis Bacon does not endorse this recipe. Frans Pourbus, Francis Bacon (1617) |
"To make Frayse* appear like Rashers of Bacon. Take of fine Flowre half a peck, mingle one half by it self with Water and Butter and to the other add Milk wherein Turnsel has been steeped, with a little of the Powder of Lake; and having cut them out into slices, fix a slice of the one to a slice of the other at your discretion; and when they are fryed gently, or rather baked, they will deceive the most curious as to the sight of them."
The Accomplished Ladies Rich Closet of Rarities (1687)Want to deceive your most curious friends? Just grab your plant dyes and whip up some Early Modern imitation bacon. Breakfast hilarity will ensue.
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| Jacques Le Moyne de Morgues, A Young Daughter of the Picts (c. 1585) |
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| Agostino Ramelli's Book Wheel Le diverse et artificiose machine (1588) |
Levinus Lemnius, The Touchstone of Complexions (1576)
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| Anne Vallayer-Coster, Still Life with Lobster (1781) |
"To keep lobsters a quarter of a year very good. Take them being boild as aforesaid, wrap them in course rags having been steeped in brine, and bury them in a cellar in some sea-sand pretty deep."
Robert May, The Accomplisht Cook (1660)The power of planning ahead! Just think: if you'd done this a few months ago, today you'd have... a cool CSI-style lobster graveyard in your basement.
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| Nikolaus Knüpfer, Portrait d'un Couple |
According to Cupids Schoole: Wherein Yong Men and Mayds May Learne Diverse Sorts of New, Witty, Amorous Complements (1642), here's what to say if you want to invite a gentleman home with you:
“To invite one home. Sir, I have often desired your company at home, but yet could never be so happy to obtaine it. But now you shall not deny to grace my poor house with your presence, since we are hard by it, and to honour me so much as to let the star of your vertue shine within the sphear of my house: for I dare promise though entertainement be not worthy your invitation, yet you shall be as welcome as a friend can be to a friend.”This is a great line -- provided that your special man is well versed in seventeenth-century euphemism.
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| Luttrell Psalter, BL Add. MS 42130, f. 207v |
"To make that Chicken Sing when it is dead and roasted, whether on the spit or in the platter. Take the neck of your chicken and bind it at one end and fill it with quicksilver and ground sulphur, filling until it is roughly half full; then bind the other end, but not too tightly. When you want it to sing, [heat] your neck or chicken. When it is quite hot, and when the mixture heats up, the air that is trying to escape will make the chicken's sound. The same can be done with a gosling, with a piglet and with any other birds. And if it doesn't cry loudly enough, tie the two ends more tightly."
The Vivendier (c. 1450)From the same geniuses who brought you the live bird entrée: this sequel recipe will provide a soundtrack for your feast! Plus, what's a holiday without some toxic mercury-based stuffing?
"Get a chicken or any other bird you want, and pluck it alive cleanly in hot water. Then get the yolks of 2 or 3 eggs; they should be beaten with powdered saffron and wheat flour, and distempered with fat broth or with the grease that drips under a roast into the dripping pan. By means of a feather glaze and paint your pullet carefully with this mixture so that its colour looks like roast meat. With this done, and when it is about to be served to the table, put the chicken's head under its wing, and turn it in your hands, rotating it until it is fast asleep. Then set it down on your platter with the other roast meat. When it is about to be carved it will wake up and make off down the table upsetting jugs, goblets and whatnot."
The Vivendier (ca. 1450)
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| Gijsbert d'Hondecoeter, Poultry |
"To make Cock-Ale. Take nine Gallons of Ale, and let it Work; and when done Working, have in readiness four pound of Raisins of the Sun, stoned and bruised in a Mortar, two Nutmegs, and as much Mace bruised; then take two Cocks, flea them, and take out the Guts, then hold them in a pot of boiling Water, just to Plump them; then break their Bones, and bruise them in a Mortar, so put them in a Vessel to your Ale, (Before you put in all the Blade Fruit and Spice,) so stop them close: let it stand a Fortnight; and when you Bottle it, put in every Bottle two or three bits of Limon-Peel, and as much candied Ginger-Root, with a Lump of Sugar; stop it close: let it stand a Fortnight or three Weeks, then drink it; it is very pleasant, and good against Consumption."
A New Book of Knowledge (1697)Some days, you're not sure whether you need a mug of ale or a steaming bowl of chicken broth. On those days, Cock Ale will drown your sorrows and cure your consumption. Perfect for holiday parties!
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| Juan van der Hamen, Still Life (detail), 1627 |
"Whosoever eateth two Walnuts, two Figs, twenty leaves of Rew, and one graine of Salt, all stampt and mixte together, fasting: shall bee safe from poyson and Plague that day."
Thomas Lupton, A Thousand Notable Things (1595)This Early Modern energy bar provides the nutrients you need to get through a pestilential and poisonous workday. (As instructed, take this with a grain of salt.)
"To make a Hedge-Hog. Take a Quart of New Cream and boil it, then beat an Egg and put into it, and take a quarter of a Pint of sowre Cream, and mix them well together, stirring it continually; let it boil till it be a little turn'd, then put it into a Cloth, and squeeze the Whey from it; when it's cold, mix it with pounded Almonds, and refin'd Sugar; then lay it like a Hedge-hog, and stick it with Almonds, cut small, and put good Cream about it; stick two or three Currans for the Nose and Eyes."
Robert Smith, Court Cookery (1725)Sometimes you want to serve a hedgehog, but dietary restrictions or scarcity stand in your way. Enter the Hedge-Log: part cheese ball, part Tiggy-Winkle, all eighteenth-century genius.
"You shall finde it wonderfull expedient, if you bath your head foure times in the yeare, and that with hot lee made of ashes. After which, you must cause one presently to poure two or three gallons of cold fountain water upon your head. Then let your head be dryed with cold towels. Which sodaine pouring downe of cold water, although it doth mightily terrifie you, yet nevertheles, it is very good, for therby the naturall heate is stirred within the body, baldnesse is kept backe, and the memory is quickened. In like manner, washing of hands often, doth much availe the eyesight."
William Vaughan, Approved Directions for Health (1612)Pouring water on your head sure is terrifying! But the dreaded quarterly headwashing has its benefits. Best practices!
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| Cantigas de Santa Maria |
Amanieu de Sescás, Enssenhamen de l'escudier (Instruction for a Squire), c. 1280Stretch your fashion budget in a "distressed" tunic! The courtly look is all in the accessories.
"Blue Blazer. (Use two large silver-plated mugs, with handles.)
1 wine-glass of Scotch whiskey.
1 do. [ditto] boiling water.
Put the whiskey and the boiling water in one mug, ignite the liquid with fire, and while blazing mix both ingredients by pouring them four or five times from one mug to the other, as represented in the cut. If well done this will have the appearance of a continued stream of liquid fire. Sweeten with one teaspoonful of pulverized white sugar, and serve in a small bar tumbler, with a piece of lemon peel.
...The novice in mixing this beverage should be careful not to scald himself. To become proficient in throwing the liquid from one mug to the other, it will be necessary to practise for some time with cold water."
Jerry Thomas, How to Mix Drinks: Or, the Bon-Vivant's Companion (1862)
"To make an hearb to growe which shall have many savours and tastes. And to doo this: firste take one seede of the Lettice, one seede of Endive, one of Smallage, one of the Bassill, one of the Leeke, & of the parslie, al these put togither in a hole in such sort, that one seede may touch an other: but this remember that you plant these together in the dung of an Horsse or an Oxe without any earthe at all with them. And then after of these seedes shall growe up one proper hearbe, which will have so many savours and tastes, as there were seedes sowne together."
A Briefe and Pleasaunt Treatise, Intituled: Naturall and Artificiall Conclusions (1586)With the power of manure, you can grow one herb to rule them all.
"The Ring Cake is always an object of interest at Halloween parties. The cake itself is made like the ordinary kind, but before it is baked a plain gold ring is hidden in the dough, not to be taken out until the cake is cut and it falls to the share of the fortunate person in whose slice it happens to be found. The ring is sometimes put in a flour-cake, which is simply flour packed into a cake-mould so firmly that when it is turned out it retains the shape of the mould and can be sliced off with a knife. Each member of the party cuts her or his own section of flour, and whoever secures the ring, it is confidently stated, will be the first of the group to marry."
Lina Beard and Adelia B. Beard, How to Amuse Yourself and Others (1893)Know what your Halloween parties have been missing? A brick of compressed flour with a choking hazard hidden inside!
"Her Dove-like eyes."Looking to stand out among the crowds of suitors? Try the pelican line at your next courtship event -- it really gives you the element of surprise.
"Liquorous rolling eyes."
"Her cheeks shine like sparkling stones."
"Her Cheeks are like Punick Apples."
"Her Cheeks are spread with Spices and Flowers."
"Her breasts are the soft Pillows of love."
"Her breasts are soft and tender as the Pelican's."
"Her Thighes are fit subjects for the pleasant Songs of youthfull Poets to acquaint the world with."
"Her legs as stately and firm as marble pillars."
"Modesty is becoming at all times, and especially upon a bicycle... A prominent physician advises women cyclists to wear woolen clothing, the head covering light, low shoes, leggings, and no corsets... The Alpine hat is considered the proper head-gear for women. Men should wear a short loose-fitting sack coat of some light woolen material, with knickerbockers to match, woolen stockings, cap, low shoes and a negligee shirt, or if the day is cold, a sweater."
John Wesley Hanson, Etiquette and Bicycling for 1896 (1896)Ladies, grab your Alpine hats! Men, don your negligee shirts! Your next cycling adventure is sure to be modest thanks to this physician-approved costume advice.
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| Eygentliche Beschreibung Aller Stäande auf Erden, 1568 |
"Whosoever have their feete smell strongly, if they put the scales of Iron in their shoes, wherein they use to goe, it takes cleane away the evill smell thereof."
Thomas Lupton, A Thousand Notable Things (1590)Is foot odor holding you back? No problem-- just fill your shoes with iron shards. The sacrifice in comfort is a small price to pay for the delightful lack of evil smell.
"An easie way to procure Fire speedily. Take a round Glasse, and fill it with faire water, and set it against the Sun, so that it may stand fast: then take something that is very dry and hold it neere the Glasse (betweene the glasse and the Sun) and it will set the thing so holden on fire: which is very strange to behold, the rather, because Fire which is an hot and dry Element, is procured out of Water, which is a cold and moist Element."
The Booke of Pretty Conceits (1628)This is a great trick if you can get the angle just right. If not, though, you'll still end up with a nice glass of lukewarm water. Win!
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| Still Life with Pies (17th c.) |
"To make a Pompion-Pie. Having your Paste ready in your Pan, put in your Pompion pared and cut in thin slices, then fill up your pie with sharp Apples, and a little Pepper, and a little salt, then close it, and bake it, then butter it, and serve it in hot to the Table."
Hannah Woolley, The Queen-Like Closet, or Rich Cabinet (1670)Paraphrase: prepare your pan, pare your pompion, put it in paste with pepper.
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| William Heath, c. 1828 |
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| Vietz, Icones plantarum (1804) |
"Let the Pompion be beaten in a Trough and pressed as Apples. The expressed Juice is to be boiled in a Copper a considerable Time and carefully skimmed that there may be no Remains of the fibrous Part of the Pulp. After that Intention is answered let the Liquor be hopped cooled fermented &c. as Malt Beer."
American Philosophical Society papers (1771)This fall, treat yourself to some pumpkin ale-- homebrew of 18th-century American philosophers.
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| Or just wear all your clothes at once. |
"Remember likewise, that they are a very subtle vermin, for if they in the least suspect what you are about, you cannot catch them... set your great cage out of the way at some distance that the other Rats may not hear them squeak, for that will baulk your sport and occasion them to run away."
Robert Smith, The Universal Directory for Taking Alive and Destroying Rats (1768)Dealing with an infestation of subtle vermin? Robert Smith offers a "method hitherto unattempted," in which you lure the little beasts into what looks like an exciting rat funhouse. Some assembly required.
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| The Somerset House Conference, 1604 |
"It is better dealing with men in appetite then with those which are where they would be... In dealing with cunning persons, we must ever consider their endes to interpret their speeches, and it is good to say little to them, and that which they least looke for."
Francis Bacon, "Of Negotiating" (1597)Some timely advice for Washington -- although "cunning" seems like too generous a term for Congress.
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| Portrait of Marsilio Ficino Domenico Ghirlandaio, Zacariah in the Temple (1486-90) |
"There is a common and ancient opinion that certain prophetic women who are popularly called ‘screech-owls’ suck the blood of infants as a means, insofar as they can, of growing young again. Why shouldn’t our old people... likewise suck the blood of a youth? — a youth, I say who is willing, healthy, happy and temperate, whose blood is of the best but perhaps too abundant. They will suck, therefore, like leeches, an ounce or two from a scarcely-opened vein of the left arm; they will immediately take an equal amount of sugar and wine; they will do this when hungry and thirsty and when the moon is waxing. If they have difficulty digesting raw blood, let it first be cooked together with sugar; or let it be mixed with sugar and moderately distilled over hot water and then drunk."
Marsilio Ficino, De vita libri tres (1489)
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| Johannes Vermeer, Portrait of a Young Woman (1665-67) |
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| Konstantin Makovsky, Portrait of a Woman (c. 1870) |
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| "Did I overdo it?" Queen, Lewis Chessmen (12th c.) |
"For removing redness from the face, we put on leeches of various colors, which are in reeds, but first we wash with wine the place to which they ought to adhere; they are usually placed around the nose and ears on both sides."
The Trotula (12th century)Feeling flushed? Bloodsucking parasites can help! Just don't forget to remove the leeches of various colors before you go out for the evening.
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| Jan Vermeer, The Glass of Wine (c. 1660) |
"Good Wine ought to be clean, pure, and clear, inclining to a red, called Claret, or Cherry-colour; but let it be of stony and mountainous Places, situate towards the South. Let it be of an excellent Odour, for such wine increases the subtill Spirits, nourishes excellently, and breeds very good Blood; let it be of a pleasant Taste, but let it by no means be too sharp or sweet, but of a middle temper, for if too sweet, it inflames, obstructs, and fills the Head, but the sharp or sowr Wine hurts the Nerves and Stomach, and begets Crudities... The gross, stinking, corrupted, flat Wines, are unpleasant to the Taste, and unwholesom; all which are to be avoided, for they cause the Head-ach, corrupt the Blood, breed melancholick Spirits, and in short, are destructive to the whole body."
John Chamberlayne, A Family-Herbal (1689)Here's a tip: if the sommelier tries to interest you in a gross, stinking, corrupted, flat wine, just say no.
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| Joannes de Laet, L'histoire du Nouveau Monde, 1640 |
"Take seven hundred Cacao Nuts, a pound and a half of white Sugar, two ounces of Cinnamon, fourteen grains of Mexico Pepper, call'd Chile or Pimiento, half an ounce of Cloves, three little Straws or Vanilla's de Campeche, or for want thereof, as much Annis-Seed as will equal the weight of a shilling, or Achiot a small quantity as big as a Filbeard, which may be sufficient only to give it a colour; some add thereto Almonds, Filbeards, and the Water of Orange Flowers."
The Manner of Making of Coffee, Tea, and Chocolate (1685)Hankering for some spicy 17th-century chocolate? Well, what are you waiting for? Those seven hundred cacao nuts aren't going to count themselves.
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| Raphael, The School of Athens (1509-11) |
"The Lomberd... is scorneful of his speche. He wyl geve an aunswer with wrieng his hed at the one side displaysynge his handes abrode. Yf he cast his head at the one syde & to shroge up his shoulders speake no more to hym, for you be answerd. The Italyons and some of the Venecions be of lyke disposicon."
Andrew Boorde, The Fyrst Boke of the Introduction of Knowledge (1562)You strike up a conversation with a Renaissance Italian. He tilts his head, spreads his hands, and shrugs his shoulders. Translation: quit bothering me with your questions, silly foreigner.
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| Edward Topsell, The History of Foure-Footed Beasts (1658) |
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| Quick, the bran! Madrid, Bib. Nac. Vitr. 26-2, f. 34vb (12th c.) |
"If a fire blazes up, it should be extinguished with sand and bran. If it blazes up further, put on sand soaked in urine."
Mappae clavicula (c. 12th century)Safety first: be sure to have plenty of sand and bran on hand for your next barbecue or naval battle. (The urine soaking is for when things get really scary.)
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| Old Man in an Armchair (c. 1650) National Gallery, London |
"Sleeping at noones causeth heavinesse of the head, dulnesse of wit... Moreover it hurteth the eyes, spoileth the colour, puffeth up the Spleene with winde, maketh the body unlusty... Yet... that it is lawfull at any time of the yeare for old men to sleepe a nap at noones, by reason of their imbecility, needs no demonstration."
Tobias Venner, Via recta ad vitam longam (1623)Some bad news here for everyone: your refreshing midday power nap is giving you spleen wind, unless you're an old man -- in which case the seventeenth century has diagnosed you with imbecility. Sweet dreams, all!
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| Athanasius Kircher, Musurgia universalis (1650) |
"Friction is a mode of exercise of great value.. It has great power in strengthening the digestive organs, promoting a free perspiration, resolving obstructions, loosening contractions, and imparting a comfortable glow, and an increase of energy, to the whole system... Friction may be applied to the body by hand, or with flannel, rough woolen gloves, or the flesh-brush. The latter is by far the best instrument, and the proper time for using it is in the morning and evening, continuing from fifteen to thirty minutes at each time."
Thomas John Graham, Modern Domestic Medicine (1827)Trying to maintain an exercise schedule, but lacking motivation? Consider a vigorous session with the flesh brush! And when you've considered that, you'll undoubtedly be ready to hit the gym instead.
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| Vein Man needs some armpit phlebotomy, stat. BL Harley 3719, f. 158v (14th c.) |
"Beneath the armpits are certain veins called "ticklish" which, if they are cut, cause a man to die of laughter."
Richardus Salernitanus (13th c.?)Tired of people not laughing at your jokes? You could just stab them in the armpits...
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| Not suspicious. Caravaggio, Cardsharps (c. 1595) |
"Voices may be concealed six wayes: First by absence, and this is the safest way, and if it be not discovered, it cannot be suspected. Then follows mumbling or low speaking, which is unseemly and full of suspition, and ofttimes is the cause of great mischiefs. The third is to speak in a forrain Tongue, as Greek, Latin, Germane, Italian; this also breeds suspition and is unseemly. The fourth is by nodding, as Men playing, but this is most ridiculous and unhandsome. The fift is by words that signifie other things... and this wants long observation: yet if one can do it handsomely there can be no suspition... The sixt is when we speak by cutting off some words, or pieces, this is not rediculous, and becomes a Grave man, because it makes a doubtfull sense, and it is so lawfull that it is familiar in the Writings of great Men."
Johann Jacob Wecker, Eighteen Books of the Secrets of Art and Nature (1660)Relaying secret messages is tough. Mumbling is unseemly, nodding is silly, and Secret German rarely works in Germany. Instead, just leave out a few syllables and words here and there. Your secret may be mangled, but bystanders will have to agree that you are... not ridiculous.
"Love-Apples... The fruit of the wild sort is no bigger than a cherry; but those that grow in gardens are as big as a small apple, very round and red, and therefore called pomum amoris; some call them tomatoes. It hath a small sharp-pointed jagged leaf, growing very thick upon its stalk and branches; its fruit is round and red, or of an orange colour. I have eat five or six raw at a time: They are full of a pulpy juice, and of small seeds, which you swallow with the pulp, and have something of a gravy taste... the fruit, boiled in oil, is good for the itch."
Henry Barham, Hortus Americanus (1794)Do you like gravy? Are you itchy? Then the love-apple is the New World fruit for you-- perfect for snacking and for smearing all over yourself.
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| Pocket Sundial, c. 1640 Harvard University |
"[T]o see onely by the hand what of the clocke it is... may bee practiced by the left hand in this manner. Take a straw or like thing of the length of the Index, or the second finger, hold this straw very right betweene the thumbe and the right finger, then stretch forth the hand and turne your backe and the palme of your hand towards the Sunne; so that the shaddow of the muscle which is under the thumbe touch the line of life, which is betweene the middle of the two other great lines, which is seene in the palme of the hand; this done, the end of the shaddow will shew what of the clocke it is; for at the end of the great finger it is 7 in the morning or 5 in the evening; at the end of the Ring finger it is 8 in the morning, or 4 in the evening; at the end of the little finger or first joynt, it is 9 in the morning, or 3 in the afternoone; 10 and 2 at the second joynt, 11 and 1 at the third joynt, and midday in the line following, which comes from the end of the Index."
Hendrik van Etten, Mathematicall Recreations (1633)In theory, this ingenious method will allow you to tell time using only a straw. But you'll be lucky if you manage to calculate the time before the sun sets, and you may inadvertently offend passersby with your finger gestures.
"If thou soakest thy bread or meat in the sauce, soak it not againe, after that thou hast bitten it, dip therein at each time a reasonable morsell which may be eaten at one mouthfull."
Francis Hawkins, Youths BehaviourFrom the same authority who told you not to be a close-talker, more timeless advice: don't be a double-dipper.
