How to Grow Facial Hair, 1658

"Amongst those things that will make ones beard grow, and are easy to be had, I reckon Honey, fresh Butter without Salt, the juyce of a red Onion... Badgers grease, called Das, Bears, Lions, Grease, Bryony-roots, Beets, Radish, Pepperwort, white Lilies, Flour-de-luce: a liniment may be made of these, for the chin wet with these, first brings forth a tender down, after that a thick and long beard, which that it may not grow white too soon, must be watered rather with cold water that hath a little wine mingled with it, if we desire to adorn it." 

Levinus Lemnius, The Touchstone of Complexions

The path to bearded bliss is long, tortuous, and kind of smelly. Much like the beard itself.

How to Groom Your Eyebrows, 1563

Christoph Amberger, Portrait of a Young Woman

"Take the galle of a hee Gote or of a she Gote, but the hee Goate is better, and doeth it soner, and rubbe youre eye browes, and the heare will shortly fall awaye."

The Second Part of the Secretes of Maister Alexis of Piemont (1563)

Why bother with plucking or waxing when you could have your eyebrows digested by goat enzymes? Just make sure your salon uses the superior he-goat gall.

How to Cure Nausea, 1693

John Gerard, Herball (1597)

"A speedy Remedy for Fits of Vomiting. Take a large Nutmeg, grate off one half of it, and toast the flat side of the other, till the Oily part begin to ouze or sweat out, then clap it to the Pit of the Patient's Stomach as hot as he can well endure it, and let him keep it on whilst it continues warm, and then if need be put on another."  

Robert Boyle, Medicinal Experiments (1693) 

If you're lucky, the patient will be so surprised by the sizzling, oily nutmeg on his abdomen that he will forget all about his nausea.

(Wondering what to do with the other half of the nutmeg? Pink pancakes!)

How to Cure a Headache, 9th century

Ninth-century headache?
St. Gall 904 (ca. 850)

"Headaches you will enchant: take some earth, touch your breast three times and say: My head hurts, why does it hurt? It does not hurt." 

Pseudo-Pliny (9th century)

Good old denial: it's better than ibuprofen.

How to Cure Laryngitis, 1579

"Laye a thynne peece of rawe Beefe, to the forehead of them that have lost theyr voyce, and let it lye thereto all nyght unremoved: and it wyll helpe them presently, or at the least within three or fowre severall applications."

Thomas Lupton, A Thousand Notable Things (1579)

After three or four applications the patient will not only be speaking, but also screaming at you to stop plastering him with raw beef.