How to Prepare a Humble Feast, 1638

Mattia Giegher, Li tre trattati (1629)

“Now for a more humble feast, or an ordinary proportion which any good man may keepe in his family for the entertainment of his true and worthy friends... it is good then for him that intends to feast, to set downe the full number of his dishes... and of these sixtene is a good proportion for one course unto one messe, as thus for example: First, a shield of Brawne with mustard: Secondly, a boyl’d Capon: Thirdly, a boyl’d piece of Beefe: Fourthly, a chine of Beefe rosted: Fifthly, a Neats-tongue rosted: Sixthly, a Pig rosted: Seventhly, chewets bak’d: Eighthly, a Goose rosted: Ninthly, a Swan rosted: Tenthly, a Turkie rosted: the eleventh, a haunch of Venison rosted: The twelfth, a Pasty of Venison: The thirteenth, a Kid with a pudding in the belly: The fourteenth, an Olive Pie: The fifteenth, a couple of Capons: The sixteenth, a Custard or Dowsets. Now to these full dishes may be added in Sallets, Fricases, Quelquechoses, and devised paste, as many dishes more, which make the full service no lesse then two and thirty dishes, which is as much as can conveniently stand on one Table... and after this manner you may proportion both your second and third course...” 

Gervase Markham, A Way to Get Wealth 

Sometimes it's a long week and you're tired and you just need to get some food on the table. And you know what? That's fine! No one is expecting more than 32 dishes. Per course.

How to Survive the Winter, c. 1200

J. Paul Getty Museum MS 14, f. 3r (13th century)

"Winter is damp and cold: we should turn to food. Nourishment should be delicious in the winter. Neither purging nor bloodletting is helpful then, and encounters in bed with your lady friend should be moderate." 

Daniel of Beccles, Urbanus magnus

If your New Year's resolutions involved less eating and more sex, you might be in trouble.

How to Cook All the Birds, 1849

"The Poultry of the World," 1858, a.k.a. dinner

"Take a fine large olive, stuffed with capers and anchovies, and preserved in the best oil, and put it into a fig pecker; after cutting off its head and legs, put the fig pecker into the body of a fine fat ortolan; put the ortolan, into the body of a sky-lark. Besides cutting off the head and legs, take away all the principal bones, and wrap it in a thick fillet of bacon; put the skylark, thus prepared, into a thrush, trimmed and arranged in a similar way; put the thrush into a fine plump quail; put the quail, without bacon, but wrapped in a vine leaf, into a lapwing, and the lapwing well trussed and covered with thin bacon, into a fine golden plover; put the plover, also rolled up in bacon, into a fine young partridge; put the partridge into a good succulent woodcock, and after surrounding the latter with very thin crusts of bread, put it into a teal; put the teal, well trussed and covered with bacon, into a Guinea-hen, and the Guinea-hen, also surrounded with bacon, into a fine young wild duck, in preference to a tame one; put the duck into a fine plump fowl, and the fowl into a fine large red pheasant; be sure it is very high flavoured; put the pheasant into a fine fat wild goose; put the wild goose into a Guinea-fowl; put the Guinea-fowl into a very fine bustard, and if it should not fit it, fill up the cavities with chesnuts, sausage-meat, and stuffing excellently made. Put these ingredients, thus prepared, into a vessel, hermetically sealed, and closed round with paste; and add onions, stuck with cloves, carrots, small bits of ham, celery, herbs, ground pepper, slices of bacon well seasoned, salt, spices, coriander, and a bit or two of garlic. Let it simmer for twenty-four hours over a slow fire, so arranged as to reach  every part alike. Perhaps, an oven might be better." 

Robert Reynolds, The Professed Cook (trans. from Almanach des Gourmands, 1809)

This monstrosity did, in fact, eat a turducken for breakfast. Bon appétit!

How to Make Good Coffee, 1895

Currier & Ives, 1881 (Library of Congress)

"COFFEE THAT IS GOOD. To make good coffee is apparently not so simple as it may seem, if general results count for anything... There is no better stimulant in the morning than a delicious cup of coffee, and there is no better way of preparing it than according to the following recipe: Do not buy the coffee already ground, for it loses its fine flavor more rapidly when in the ground form than when whole. Have a small coffee mill and grind it yourself. A mixture of two or more kinds of coffee will give the most satisfactory result. Two thirds Java, with one third Mocha, will make a rich, smooth coffee. Now for the recipe: Put one cupful of roasted coffee into a small fryingpan, and stir it over the fire until hot, being careful not to burn it. Grind the coffee rather coarse and put it in a common coffeepot. Beat one egg well, and add three tablespoonfuls of cold water to it. Stir this mixture into the coffee. Pour one quart of boiling water on the coffee, and place the pot on the fire. Stir the coffee until it boils, being careful not to let it boil over; then place on the back of the stove, where it will just bubble, for ten minutes... After it has stood for five minutes, strain it into a hot coffeepot, and send to the table at once." 

C. F. Lawlor, The Mixicologist

Breakfast shortcut: just stir the egg into the coffee!

How to Make an Eel Pie, 1465

Konrad Gesner, Historiae
animalium (1604)

 "Boil for a while an eel which has been skinned and cut up in pieces. Pass almond juice, with verjuice and rose water, through a sieve into a bowl. It would likewise not be ill advised to make it thicker by pounding in raisins with three or four figs. Then mix orach, torn by hand with parsley and fried in a little oil, an ounce of raisins, also an ounce of pine nuts, a little ginger, pepper, cinnamon, and saffron. Mix into the above-mentioned with your hands until they make one mass. When they are mixed, put in a well-oiled pan with an undercrust, placing pieces of eel in layers, as it were. When it has been semicooked, pour a bit of verjuice, rose water, and sugar into the upper crust, which has been perforated in several places. When it is finally cooked, serve to your enemies, for it has nothing good in it."

Platina, De honesta voluptate et valetudine

Cooking a special meal is a great way to express your feelings for someone. Especially if the feelings are "I'd love for you to leave before dessert."

How to Make an Apple Toddy, 1869

Wine Apple, The Gardener's and Forester's Record (1833-6)
Wellcome Library, London

"Apple Toddy. Two wine glasses of 'Apple Jack'; one tablespoonful of white sugar; half of a baked apple. Add boiling water and nutmeg. This drink ought never to be made with a suspicion of weakness. It is only drank in cold weather, and needs to be a little strong to be satisfactory to the epicurean." 

Haney's Steward and Barkeeper's Manual

An apple a day, the epicurean's way.

How to Eat in Autumn, 1600

Later, old cheese.
The Grete Herball (1529), Wellcome Library

"Autumne beginneth, when the sunne entreth the first degree of Libra, which is the thirteenth day of September. Then it is Aequinoctiall, meteors are seene, the times do alter, the aire waxeth cold, the leaves do fall, corne is reaped, the earth loseth hir beautie, and melancholy is ingendered. For which cause, such things as breede melancholy are to bee avoyded, as feare, care, beanes, old cheese, salt beefe, broath of colewoorts, & such like. You may safely eate mutton, lambe, pigges, and young pullets. Take heed of the morning & evening cold." 

William Vaughan, Naturall and Artificial Directions for Health 

The key to a happy autumn? Just avoid fear and cabbage broth.

How to Use Chocolate, 1672

Nicolas de Blegny, Le bon usage du thé, du caffé,
et du chocolat (1687)

“It revives the drooping spirits, and chears those that are ready to faint; expelling sorrow, trouble, care, and all perturbations of the minde; it is an Ambrosia: And finally, in a word, it cannot be too much praised… [It] keepeth the body fat and plump; and also preserveth the countenance fresh and fair… and certain it is, that a man may live longer with it, then with any kinde of Wine whatsoever... It is a great Cordial... strengthening the natural heat in all parts, and thereby prolonging life; for it is by an easie transmutation converted into blood. It preserveth in vigour the principal faculties, enabling men to prosecute their Studies and tedious exercises, expelling winde, opening obstructions… and is most excellent against Hypochondriack melancholy.” 

William Hughes, The American Physitian

Revives drooping spirits? Check. Prolongs life? Check. Turns into blood? Apparently.

How to Avoid Melons, 1565

Jacques le Moyne de Morgues, Study of a Melon (c. 1575)

"When you consider the small size of the root, and the great size of the stalk, and how close to the ground it is, and that it lies perpetually on the earth, and that it is influenced by every quality of the air, and that its growth is so fast, you will be compelled to admit that the melon is nothing other than the putrid moisture of the earth, colored by changing and harmful qualities, having every vice, harmful to the stomach, liver, spleen, intestines, lungs, kidneys, bladder, causing not only putrid humors but poisonous fluxes.  

Therefore my advice is that it should not only be renounced, but even banished from human use by the decrees of rulers. For what pestilence is more pernicious, from which many thousands of men have perished for so long?" 

Girolamo Cardano, De methodo medendi

How much longer must we wait for our politicians to confront the pernicious pestilence of melons?

How to Make Artichoke Ice Cream, 1768

L. Boilly, Les Mangeurs de Glaces (1825)

"Artichoke ice cream. Take three or four artichokes, of which you will use only the bottoms; boil them until they are soft; crush them with a quarter-pound of blanched pistachios, a quarter of a candied orange, and a bit of cream; strain this mixture through a sieve; thin it with a chopine [2 cups] of cream, cooked in the manner of the first one which I instructed; add some sugar to taste; strain it all through a sieve, and put it in a sarbotière [ice cream maker]."

Joseph Gilliers, Le Cannaméliste français

Something tells me the kids will see through your efforts to sneak artichokes into their dessert.

How to Make Green Eggs, 1656

"Take half a dozen of eggs, break them each severally upon a Trencher, and after that beat them all together in a dish, and adde some beaten salt to them, and some few drops of water, or of milk; cause some butter to be mested in a Skillet, and when it is brown fryed pour your beaten eggs into it, and let them fry more or less according to your pleasure, and according as you will have your Omelet to be limber or stiff; instead of butter you may use oyl, if you love it, or any kind of other sweet suet as well in the making of these as all other several sorts and kinds of Omelets. Now in case you desire to have your Omelet to bee a green one, you shall only need to mingle some Green-sauce with your Eggs as you beat them; or in case you make not your Omelet of a green colour, you may as then serve up your Green-sauce joyntly with it, but the usual custom is to eat your Omelet with a little vinegar, and some powder sugar." 

M. Marnette, The Perfect Cook

Do you like them cooked in suet?
This will teach you how to do it.

How to Make Turnip Wine, 1796

"To make Turnip Wine. Take a good many turnips, pare, slice, and put them in a cyder-press, and press out all the juice very well; to every gallon of juice have three pounds of lump-sugar, have a vessel ready just big enough to hold the juice, put your sugar into a vessel, and also to every gallon of juice half a pint of brandy; pour in the juice, and lay something over the bung for a week, to see if it works; if it does, you must not bung it down till it has done working: then stop it close for three months, and draw it off in another vessel. When it is fine, bottle it off."

Hannah Glasse, The Art of Cookery Made Plain and Easy

When will your turnip wine taste fine? Maybe right after you've downed the last bottle of non-turnip wine.

How to Slim Down in Fourteen Days, 1595

Charles Mellin, Portrait of a
Gentleman (c. 1645)

"An excellent and approved thing to make them slender, that are grosse. Let them eate three or foure cloves of Garlick, with as much of Bread and butter every morning and evening, first and last, neither eating nor drinking of three or foure howres after their taking of it in the morning for the space of fourteene days at the least: and drinke every day three draughts of the decoction of Fennell: that is, of the water wherein Fennell is sod, and well strained, fourteene dayes after the least, at morning, noone and night. I knewe a man that was marveilous grosse, & could not go a quarter of a mile, but was enforst to rest him a dosen times at the least: that with this medicine tooke away his grossenesse, and after could iourney verye well on foote."

Thomas Lupton, A Thousand Notable Things (1595)

The Garlic Bread Cleanse, fad diet of the late sixteenth century, is pure genius. After fourteen days of this regimen you'll be rid of that pesky grossenesse and ready to hit the beach. On foote.

How to Eat Seasonally, 1746

Peter Jacob Horemans, Still Life (1769)

"Experience teacheth, that Hens are best in January; Eggs in February; Lamb, Kid, Pidgeons and Veal in March; Herbs in April; Cockles in May; Bucks and Salmon in June, July, and August; Gunards in September; Oysters in all Months in whose name an R is found; Pork, Bacon, and Cabbage in frosty Weather, &c." 

Thomas Moffet, Health's Improvement (1746)

That pesky no-oysters-in-no-R-months rule is a venerable tradition. Perhaps it's time to rename the summer months: Mray, Juner, Jurly, and Augurst. In the meantime, enjoy your bucks and salmon!

How to Make Waffles, 1714

"The Right Dutch-Wafer. Take four Eggs, and beat them very well, then take a good spoonful of fine Sugar, one Nutmeg grated, a pint of Cream, and a pound of Flower, a pound of Butter melted, two or three spoonfuls of Rose-water, and two good spoonfuls of Yeast; mix all well together, and bake them in your Wafer-tongs on the Fire. For the Sauce, take grated Cinnamon, Sack, and melted Butter, sweeten'd to your Taste." 

A Collection of Above Three Hundred Receipts in Cookery, Physick and Surgery; for the Use of All Good Wives, Tender Mothers, and Careful Nurses (1714)

The waffle of All Good Wives, Tender Mothers, and Careful Nurses. Leave cheap imitations to the wicked wives, malicious mothers, and negligent nurses, and ready the Wafer-tongs!