How to Make It Through November, c. 7th c.

British Library, MS Add. 19352, f. 101v

"November governs the watery phlegm. This month there must be no baths or anointing: if necessary, just two baths. Among meats, no deer or goat or wild boar or wild goat. All other meats of animals and birds may be eaten, lean, served hot, boiled and spiced; including sucklings. Among fish eat any except the more watery ones, corkwing and gobies, but do not eat scaleless fish. In using spices prefer the bitter tastes. Leek and mallow are good to eat, and all dry foods. Old, light, aromatic wines. Take fenugreek soup occasionally. Make love." 

Hierophilus the Sophist, Dietary Calendar 

Fenugreek soup and chill?

How to Care For Your Teeth, 1613

L. van Leyden, A Tooth Drawer, 1523 (Wellcome Library)

"To keepe and preserve the teeth cleane. First if they bee very yellow and filthie, or blackish, let a Barber scoure, rubbe, and picke them cleane, and white, then after to maintaine them cleane, it shalbe very good to rub them every day with the roote of a Mallow, and to picke them cleane that no meate remaine and putrifie betweene the teeth.
Item, take of the small white pibble stones which bee found by the water sides, and beate them in very small powder, hereof take an ounce, and of Masticke one dramme, mingle them togeather, and with this powder once in xiiii daies rub exactly your teeth, and this shall keepe your teeth fayre and white: but beware yee touch not, ne vexe the gummes therewithall.
Item, to stable and stedfast the teeth, and to keepe the gummes in good case, it shall be very good every day in the morning, to wash well the mouth with red Wine." 

Thomas Raynalde, The Byrth of Mankinde

If anyone asks about your breakfast wine, just say it's for your dental hygiene.

How to Lose Weight, c. 1330

Tacuinum sanitatis, Biblioteca Casanatense 4182 (14th c.)

“They should eat foods of little nourishment, great bulk, and quick digestion, and often bathe before they eat… they should eat many vegetables with sharp vinegar dressings… they should exercise frequently and swiftly before eating, and tolerate hunger. They should accustom themselves to eating once a day and sleeping less, and they should drink old and fine wine…. sleeping little and in a hard bed, frequent sex, and spending time in the sun and in warm houses all make a fat body become slender.” 

Maino de' Mainieri, Regimen sanitatis

Your medieval summer weight-loss plan: sunbathing, sex, and... salad.

How to Give Up Wine, 1658

A Warning-piece to All Drunkards (1682),
Wellcome Library, London

There are many who when they have drank much Wine, that is the worst thing in the world for them, fall sick, and die of it. Now if you would refrain, and abhor Wine and strong drink... let three or four live eels, put into the Wine, stay there till they die. Let one drink of this Wine, who is given to drunkenness, and he will loath Wine, and always hate it, and will never drink it again: or if he do, he will drink but little, and with much sobriety. Another way: wash a Tortois with Wine a good while, and give one of that wine to drink privately, half a cup full every morning for three days, and you shall see a wonderful vertue.

Giambattista della Porta, Natural Magick

The sommelier recommends: a full-bodied red wine with notes of tortoise grime and a lingering aftertaste of eel death.

How to Make Turnip Wine, 1796

"To make Turnip Wine. Take a good many turnips, pare, slice, and put them in a cyder-press, and press out all the juice very well; to every gallon of juice have three pounds of lump-sugar, have a vessel ready just big enough to hold the juice, put your sugar into a vessel, and also to every gallon of juice half a pint of brandy; pour in the juice, and lay something over the bung for a week, to see if it works; if it does, you must not bung it down till it has done working: then stop it close for three months, and draw it off in another vessel. When it is fine, bottle it off."

Hannah Glasse, The Art of Cookery Made Plain and Easy

When will your turnip wine taste fine? Maybe right after you've downed the last bottle of non-turnip wine.

How to Picnic, 1876

I seem to have forgotten something. The potato salad?
Édouard Manet, Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, 1862-3

"Invitations for a picnic should be sent out about ten days before the time named, or at least long enough to fill up any vacancies caused by refusals. The food and delicacies of all kinds provided should be abundant, and, of course, cold. It should be sent on to the spot fixed on under the care of the servants. Take care to have carriages which will close in case of rain amongst your conveyances. The above instructions relate to a picnic given by one person to her friends. The ordinary picnic is an arrangement between more or fewer persons to bring provisions, &c., and share expenses. In this case the ladies supply the eatables, the gentlemen the wine." 

Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen, 1876

Picnic must-have list: servants, rainproof conveyances, and plenty of gentlemen.

How to Choose Wine, 1689

Jan Vermeer, The Glass of Wine (c. 1660)

"Good Wine ought to be clean, pure, and clear, inclining to a red, called Claret, or Cherry-colour; but let it be of stony and mountainous Places, situate towards the South. Let it be of an excellent Odour, for such wine increases the subtill Spirits, nourishes excellently, and breeds very good Blood; let it be of a pleasant Taste, but let it by no means be too sharp or sweet, but of a middle temper, for if too sweet, it inflames, obstructs, and fills the Head, but the sharp or sowr Wine hurts the Nerves and Stomach, and begets Crudities... The gross, stinking, corrupted, flat Wines, are unpleasant to the Taste, and unwholesom; all which are to be avoided, for they cause the Head-ach, corrupt the Blood, breed melancholick Spirits, and in short, are destructive to the whole body."  

John Chamberlayne, A Family-Herbal (1689)

Here's a tip: if the sommelier tries to interest you in a gross, stinking, corrupted, flat wine, just say no.

How to Keep Wine from Going Sour, 1649

Pieter Bruegel, Summer (1637)

"How to keep wine from sowring. Tie a piece of very salt Bacon on the inside of your barrell, so as it touch not the Wine, in so doing your Wine will never sowre." 

Francisco Dickinson, A Precious Treasury of Twenty Rare Secrets (1649)

Didn't finish the bottle at dinner? Just stuff some bacon in there. Your wine will stay fresh, plus it will have a nice porcine nose.

How to Change a Diaper, 1612

"Dear Past, Do you have any advice for new parents?"

The Cholmondeley Ladies, c. 1600-1610

"How the childe must be made cleane... The Nurse, or some other, must sit neare the fire, laying out her legges at length, having a soft pillow in her lap, the doors and windowes being close shut, and having something about her that may keepe the wind from the child... If hee bee very foule, shee may wash him with a little water and wine luke-warme, with a spunge or linnen cloth. The time of shifting him is commonly about seven a clocke in the morning, then againe at noone, and at seven a clocke at night: and it would not be amisse to change him againe about mid-night; which is not commonly done. But... after hee hath slept a good while do everytime shift him; lest he should foule and bepisse himself." 

Jacques Guillemeau, Child-birth or, the Happy Deliverie of Women (1612)

Well, the fireside yoga pose and the windproof baby-changing cape increase the difficulty level a little. But on the plus side, you only have to do it three times a day, and wine is involved. (Sommelier? Is this a job for zinfandel?)

How to Serve Wine to Your Toddler, c. 1450

Early Sippy Cup?
Guido Reni, Drinking Bacchus (c. 1623)

"I will speak briefly about care of the child up to the age of seven... concerning wine, children should always drink common wine, diluted more or less according to the strength of the wine and the lesser or greater age of the child, because older children can drink their wine mixed with less water; white is better than red."

Michele Savonarola, Ad mulieres ferrarienses (c. 1450)

The author also pleads that women nursing infants should drink "good and delicate wines, not large and smoky." He does not explain what type of wine pairs best with mashed bananas.

How to Mix Drinks for Ladies, 1892

"The Ladies' Great Favorite. A large glass, a squirt of Seltzer, a spoonful of fine sugar, fill a wineglass half full with sherry and the other half with port wine, 1 dash of brandy; mix this well. Fill your glass with shaved ice; ornament with orange and pineapple, and top it off with ice-cream; serve with a spoon." 

William Schmidt, The Flowing Bowl (1892)

Ah, the history of the girly drink. But it's not totally clear when and how to combine the glasses of various delights. Perhaps the ornamental sundae functions as a decoy while the lady puts away the wineglass full of booze.