How to Remove Wrinkles, 12th century

BL Harley 4425, f. 114r

For treating the wrinkles of old women, take a stinking iris, and extract the juice, and smear the face with that juice in the evening, and in the morning the skin will be raised, and it will crack. We treat the eruption with the aforementioned ointment which contains lily root, and by peeling off the skin, after it has been washed, it will appear very fine.  

The Trotula

Who needs Botox and chemical peels when you've got stinking iris?

How to Use Wheat, c. 1150

Tacuinum sanitatis casanatense (14th c.)

 "Wheat is hot and full of profit. Nothing is lacking in it… But, if anyone sifts out the bran from the flour (which is semolina), and then makes bread from that flour, the bread is weaker and more feeble than if it had been made from the proper flour… Whosoever cooks wheat without the entire grain, or wheat not ground in the mill, it is as if he eats another food, for this wheat furnishes neither correct blood nor healthy flesh, but more mucus. It is scarcely digested. It is not at all good for a sick person, even if a healthy person is able to survive on this food… If someone is ailing in his back or loins, cook grains of wheat in water, and place them, warm, over the place where he is ailing. The heat of the wheat will chase away the powers of that disease." 

 Hildegard of Bingen, Physica  

An advisory from the Medieval Grain Council: white bread will turn you into an ill-blooded mucus-monster. Also, have you tried porridge on your loins? 

How to Get a Manicure, c. 1150

Tacuinum sanitatis (14th c., Biblioteca Casanatense)

One who has very ugly nails should smear them with liquid from the little bladder of the bumblebee and tie it with a band. He should do this until they become beautiful.

Hildegard of Bingen, Physica 

Better make sure your beautician is also trained in entomology.

How to Manage Your Anger, c. 1150

British Library,
Egerton MS 747, f. 83r
c. 1280-1310

"One who is inclined to wrath should take rose and less sage and pulverize them. When the wrath is rising in him, he should hold this powder to his nostrils. The sage lessens the wrath, and the rose makes him happy."

Hildegard of Bingen, Physica

Feeling some wrath coming on? One sniff of this medieval powder and ahhhhh...

How to Slim Down, 12th century

Look like this guy in no time!
BL Royal 6 E VI, f. 179

"If, however, the woman is fat and seemingly dropsical, let us mix cow dung with very good wine and with such a mixture we afterward anoint her. Then let her enter a steambath up to the neck, which steambath should be very hot from a fire made of elder [wood], and in it, while she is covered, let her emit a lot of sweat... We also treat fat men in another way. We make for them a grave next to the shore of the sea in the sand, and in the described manner you will anoint them, and when the heat is very great we place them halfway into the grave, halfway covered with hot sand poured over. And there we make them sweat very much. And afterward we wash them very well with the water of the previous bath." 

The Trotula (12th century)

 You're planning a trip to the seashore, but you're feeling a bit dropsical. No problem: this manure wrap will help you achieve your beach body in no time. And if that isn't enough, you can always bury yourself in the sand.

How to Treat Redness of the Face, 12th century

"Did I overdo it?"
Queen, Lewis Chessmen (12th c.)

"For removing redness from the face, we put on leeches of various colors, which are in reeds, but first we wash with wine the place to which they ought to adhere; they are usually placed around the nose and ears on both sides."  

The Trotula (12th century) 

Feeling flushed? Bloodsucking parasites can help! Just don't forget to remove the leeches of various colors before you go out for the evening.

How to Put Out a Fire, 12th century

Quick, the bran!
Madrid, Bib. Nac. Vitr. 26-2, f. 34vb (12th c.)

"If a fire blazes up, it should be extinguished with sand and bran. If it blazes up further, put on sand soaked in urine." 

Mappae clavicula (c. 12th century)

Safety first: be sure to have plenty of sand and bran on hand for your next barbecue or naval battle. (The urine soaking is for when things get really scary.)

How to Harvest the Mandrake, 12th century

Tacuinum sanitatis Casanatense

"It shines at night like a lamp, and when you see it mark it round quickly with iron lest it escape you. For so strong is this power in it, that if it sees an unclean man coming to it, it runs away. So for this reason mark it round with iron and dig about it, taking care that you do not touch it with the iron; but remove the earth from it with the utmost care with an ivory stake, and when you have seen the foot of the plant and its hands, then you shall at once bind the plant with a new rope, and you shall tie the same round the neck of a hungry dog, and in front of it place food at a little distance, so that in its eagerness to get the food it may pull out the plant." 

Apuleii liber de medicaminibus herbarum (12th century)

I'm not sure mandrake farming is worth it, in the end. All that trouble just because you can't find a clean man to dig up the mandrakes?

How to Wash Your Hair, 12th century

"Dear Past, How often should I wash my hair and what should I wash it with? Sincerely, Hair Befuddled in the Present"

Mary Magdalene
14th century, Les Enluminures

"After leaving the bath, let her adorn her hair, and first of all let her wash it with a cleanser such as this. Take ashes of burnt vine, the chaff of barley nodes, and licorice wood (so that it may the more brightly shine), and sowbread... with this cleanser let the woman wash her head. After the washing, let her leave it to dry by itself, and her hair will be golden and shimmering...  If the woman wishes to have long and black hair, take a green lizard and, having removed its head and tail, cook it in common oil. Anoint the head with this oil. It makes the hair long and black." 

The Trotula (12th century)

How frequently you should do this is not explained, but if you are going the lizard-conditioner route, my recommendation is: use sparingly.