How to Increase Your Energy, 15th century

Getty MS Ludwig XV i, f. 13 (15th c.)

For the evil that is called lethargy. Take your own hair, burnt, mixed with vinegar and a little pitch, and lay that over the nostrils.
Also, swine's dung laid thereto is good.
Also, place the eyes, the heart and the tongue of the nightingale under the pillow, or in the bed, and it shall keep him waking while he lies there, and whoever drinks it, he shall never sleep.  

15th century medical compilation in British Library Sloane 3489, f. 1r-v

The world is an exhausting place. Perhaps you'd like to cover your face with dung, crawl into bed, and never sleep again?

How to Behave at School, 1479

Hortus sanitatis (1497), Darmstadt

"We order and decree that teachers and students who are wearers of indecent garments, brawlers, drunks, nighttime ramblers, pimps, thieves, frequenters of taverns and other filthy places, players of dice, scoffers or trespassers of the statutes and commands of the Rector and the University, arrogant abusers of privileges, and especially aggravators of the citizens and committers of other scandalous misdeeds, if they do not desist after fair warning... shall be entirely excluded from the community of the University.”  

Copenhagen University Statutes, 1479

Fall: when teachers and students sharpen their pencils, crack open their books, and try to cut back on their filthy drunken brawling.

How to Serve a Flaming Bird, c. 1465

Musée du Petit-Palais L.Dut.456, f. 86v (15th c.)

How to Dress a Peacock With All Its Feathers, So That When Cooked, It Appears To Be Alive and Spews Fire From Its Beak

     How to dress a peacock so that it appears to be alive: first, the peacock should be killed by stabbing it in the head with a sharp knife or by slitting its throat, as you would with a baby goat. Then slice the body from the neck all the way to the tail, cutting only the skin and delicately skinning it so that you do not ruin the feathers or the skin. When you have finished skinning the body, turn the skin inside out, from the neck down. Make sure not to detach the head from the skin of the neck; and similarly, make sure that the legs remain attached to the skin of the thighs. Then dress it well for roasting, and stuff it with good things and good spices, and take some whole cloves and use them to stud the breast, and cook the bird slowly on a spit; and place a wet cloth around the neck so that the heat does not overly dry it; and wet the cloth repeatedly. When it is done cooking, remove form the spit and dress it up in its skin.
     Prepare an iron device attached to a cutting board that passes through the feet and legs of the peacock so that the iron cannot be seen and so that the peacock stands up on its feet with its head erect and seems to be alive; and arrange the tail nicely so that it forms its wheel.
     If you want it to spew fire from its beak, take a quarter ounce of camphor with a little cotton wool around it, and put it in the beak of the peacock, and also put a little aqua vitae or good, strong wine.    
     When you serve it, light the cotton wool and it will spew fire for a good bit. And to make it even more magnificent, when the peacock is done, you can decorate it with leaves of hammered gold and place the peacock's skin over the gold after you have smeared the inside of the skin with good spices.
     The same can be done with pheasants, cranes, geese, and other birds, as well as capons and pullets.

Martino da Como, Liber de arte coquinaria 

Haven't you always fantasized about the holiday turkey spewing fire in the direction of your least favorite relative? Time to turn those dreams into fiery, delicious, gold-plated reality.

How to Be a Powerful Woman, 1404

Beinecke Library, Visconti Tarot

“The better and more virtuous a lady is, the greater the war Envy very often makes against her... Therefore, the wise princess, and similarly all those who wish to act prudently, will be aware of this problem and provide themselves with a remedy... If Fortune should wish to assail her in any place (as it has done and does to many good people) and she finds out that some powerful person or persons do not wish her well, dislike her, and would harm her if they could... or by their false reports would portray her badly to barons, subjects or people, she will not make any sign that she notices it nor that she considers them her enemies... She should not talk carelessly... with a heart that is large and full, a lady cannot always keep quiet about what displeases her, but if she let slip a wrong word she might ruin her whole project… in such a situation the lady inevitably gains more in the long run by maintaining so long-suffering a manner than by being vengeful. There is no doubt that this teaching is suitable for princesses and ladies but also generally for all women.” 

Christine de Pizan, The Treasure of the City of Ladies

Wise princesses: putting up with everyone's crap since forever.

How to Get the Girl, c. 1470

Your new online dating profile photo
Walters Art Museum, MS W.88, f. 40r (14th c.)

"Young men should not hate cats because they are the cause of great happiness and can assist in achieving success in matters of love with young and charming ladies." 

The Distaff Gospels 

This message brought to you by the 15th-century cat guild.

How Not to Get Expelled, 1484

British Library, Royal 10 D IV, f. 1r (14th c.)

"It is commanded to all students that none of them henceforth in the streets or ways of this town wield swords, knives, daggers, or any other arms, or wander about in costume or with faces covered in these aforementioned places, or stir up horrible clamors at nighttime in the manner of wild asses, or participate in forbidden games either in the taverns of this city or the outlying areas or villages around the city, or attempt to perpretrate there any ill deeds at all, or dare to disturb or injure the inhabitants of this city or any others, either bodily or in property, or dare to afflict them with any other injuries." 

Leipzig University statute, 1484

Pro tip: your extracurricular activities should not involve daggers.

How to Make an Eel Pie, 1465

Konrad Gesner, Historiae
animalium (1604)

 "Boil for a while an eel which has been skinned and cut up in pieces. Pass almond juice, with verjuice and rose water, through a sieve into a bowl. It would likewise not be ill advised to make it thicker by pounding in raisins with three or four figs. Then mix orach, torn by hand with parsley and fried in a little oil, an ounce of raisins, also an ounce of pine nuts, a little ginger, pepper, cinnamon, and saffron. Mix into the above-mentioned with your hands until they make one mass. When they are mixed, put in a well-oiled pan with an undercrust, placing pieces of eel in layers, as it were. When it has been semicooked, pour a bit of verjuice, rose water, and sugar into the upper crust, which has been perforated in several places. When it is finally cooked, serve to your enemies, for it has nothing good in it."

Platina, De honesta voluptate et valetudine

Cooking a special meal is a great way to express your feelings for someone. Especially if the feelings are "I'd love for you to leave before dessert."

How to Succeed at University, 1471

Laurentius de Voltolina, The Classroom of Henricus de Alemannia
Liber ethicorum (c. 1360-90), Kupferstichkabinett Berlin

"Anyone attending any lecture must... have his own copy of the reading or a borrowed copy for the time of the lecture (two or three students at most may share the same copy) and, without a reasonable cause, except in the case of a legitimate impediment, he must miss no lecture that he was supposed to hear, or exercise which he was supposed to attend, from the third lecture or exercise after the beginning of the book, and as much as he is able, he must remain from the beginning to the end of the lecture or exercise, nor may he schedule two lectures or exercises at the same hour. 

However many times he has missed an exercise or lecture, or has not remained from the beginning to the end, and all his other failings, he must note down in the outline of his acts, to be presented at the time of the dispensation, along with the excuse (if he has any), and he must write and explain and seek a dispensation, so that according to the greater or smaller number of his negligences and failings, and excuses (if he has any), the professors will be able to deliberate and decide whether he deserves a dispensation." 

Leipzig university statute, 1471

Whatever the excuse (if he has any), I guarantee those profs have heard it before.

(Also, don't torment the freshmen.)

How to Spend Your Summer, 1465

Walters Art Museum W.175, f. 8r

"Choler rises from May 8 to August 6. Then we should use cold and moist foods, work sparingly and use roast meat in small amounts as we often do before a meal. Drink should be diluted as much as possible so as to take away thirst and not let the body be hot, but we should totally avoid sex." 

Bartolomeo Platina, De honesta voluptate et valetudine

Recipe for a choleric summer: weak drinks, micro-barbecues, and celibacy.

How to Protect Against Disease, c. 1470

British Library, Burney 275, f. 379v

"Anyone who can ride a bear the distance of nine paces without faltering will be immunized against nine kinds of sicknesses." 

The Distaff Gospels

Vaccinations or a bear rodeo: I think you know which is more fun.

How to Dress (Teen Girl Edition), c. 1500

British Library, Harley MS 4425, f. 37v

"I counsel you not to wear anything outrageous, either too tight or too trailing, nor should you resemble those women who think they are very fashionable when their clothing is low-cut and very tight and they attract attention; they think their dress is admired, for which they are mocked and rightly reproved by those who hear the talk. Nor, my daughter, should you be like those who, to seem more fashionable, dress themselves so scantily in winter that they are freezing with cold, their complexions often sallow and without color, until, either because of the cold they suffer in private or from being too tightly laced, they endure many grievous illnesses, and many even die – never doubt that this is a great sin because they have killed themselves." 

Anne de France, Lessons for My Daughter

The Past would like you to know that you are NOT leaving the house dressed like that, young lady, or you will DIE of frostbite. 

How to Maintain a Relationship, 15th century

Walters Art Museum MS W.166, f. 118r

"If a woman places feathers from a capon that has hatched young chickens in her husband's ear as well as hair from the right leg of his dog and from the tip of his cat's tail, he would never forget his love for her." 

The Distaff Gospels

The secret to a lasting relationship: just empty the vacuum cleaner in your partner's ear and you'll live happily ever after.

How to Enchant Your Lover, c. 1470

BL Stowe 17 f. 143

"When a woman wants to be well loved by her husband or her lover, she must give him catnip to eat: he will be so much in love with her that he will not rest unless she is close to him."

The Distaff Gospels

Even if this man-enchanting trick doesn't work out for some reason, you'll still be accompanied by a devoted band of cats.

How to Soothe a Teething Baby, c. 1450

Andrea Mantegna, The Circumcision of Jesus 
(detail, c. 1461)

"Sometimes babies have trouble with teething. In that case you should squeeze the gums with your fingers, and gently massage them, and the palate as well. And you should anoint the gums with the brains of a hare (which are very suitable for this purpose), or with fat or butter or good-quality olive oil; and you should do this twice a day. The milk of a dog is suitable, too. It is also very helpful to use hen's fat for both anointing and massaging the gums." 

Michele Savonarola, Ad mulieres ferrarienses (c. 1450)

Teething trouble? No problem -- just smear the baby's mouth with some fatty goo. The only issue is that once he's tasted hare's brains, he'll never go back to puréed pears.

The Past Asks You: An Enchanted Ecosystem, 1494

It's time for another installment of The Past Asks You. Post your answer in the comments!

Universitätsbibliothek Graz MS 1, f. 409v (1481)

"A mouse is at the top of a tree 60 braccia*  high, and a cat is on the ground at its foot. The mouse descends 1/2 of a braccio a day and at night it turns back 1/6 of a braccio. The cat climbs one braccio a day and goes back 1/4 of a braccio each night. The tree grows 1/4 of a braccio between the cat and the mouse each day and it shrinks 1/8 of a braccio every night. In how many days will the cat reach the mouse?" 

Luca Pacioli, Summa de arithmetica geometria proportioni et proportionalita (1494)

Do you ever feel like this cat? All you want is to catch the mouse, but for some reason you always seem to take four steps forward and one step back, and the mouse keeps scurrying around incoherently, and maybe you're crazy but you're starting to think that even the height of the tree is inconsistent?

*The Early Modern Italian braccio is the length of an arm, roughly 23 inches. Unless you have weird arms that grow during the day and shrink at night.

How to Make a Cooked Bird Sing, c. 1450

Luttrell Psalter, BL Add. MS 42130, f. 207v

"To make that Chicken Sing when it is dead and roasted, whether on the spit or in the platter. Take the neck of your chicken and bind it at one end and fill it with quicksilver and ground sulphur, filling until it is roughly half full; then bind the other end, but not too tightly. When you want it to sing, [heat] your neck or chicken. When it is quite hot, and when the mixture heats up, the air that is trying to escape will make the chicken's sound. The same can be done with a gosling, with a piglet and with any other birds. And if it doesn't cry loudly enough, tie the two ends more tightly."  

The Vivendier (c. 1450) 

 From the same geniuses who brought you the live bird entrée: this sequel recipe will provide a soundtrack for your feast! Plus, what's a holiday without some toxic mercury-based stuffing?

How to Serve a Live Bird at a Feast, c. 1450

"Get a chicken or any other bird you want, and pluck it alive cleanly in hot water. Then get the yolks of 2 or 3 eggs; they should be beaten with powdered saffron and wheat flour, and distempered with fat broth or with the grease that drips under a roast into the dripping pan. By means of a feather glaze and paint your pullet carefully with this mixture so that its colour looks like roast meat. With this done, and when it is about to be served to the table, put the chicken's head under its wing, and turn it in your hands, rotating it until it is fast asleep. Then set it down on your platter with the other roast meat. When it is about to be carved it will wake up and make off down the table upsetting jugs, goblets and whatnot."  

The Vivendier (ca. 1450)

Is your Thanksgiving turkey routine getting dull? This year, don't roast the bird -- just denude, glaze, hypnotize, and serve. Your guests will never forget the dinner, and you'll never have to host again.

(I'd love to see the out-takes on this one.)

How to Stay Young, 1489

Portrait of Marsilio Ficino
Domenico Ghirlandaio, Zacariah in the Temple (1486-90)

"There is a common and ancient opinion that certain prophetic women who are popularly called ‘screech-owls’ suck the blood of infants as a means, insofar as they can, of growing young again. Why shouldn’t our old people... likewise suck the blood of a youth? — a youth, I say who is willing, healthy, happy and temperate, whose blood is of the best but perhaps too abundant. They will suck, therefore, like leeches, an ounce or two from a scarcely-opened vein of the left arm; they will immediately take an equal amount of sugar and wine; they will do this when hungry and thirsty and when the moon is waxing. If they have difficulty digesting raw blood, let it first be cooked together with sugar; or let it be mixed with sugar and moderately distilled over hot water and then drunk." 

Marsilio Ficino, De vita libri tres (1489)

One wonders how difficult it was to find a willing youth to serve as an ingredient for Ficino's rejuvenating recipes. 

How to Treat the Freshmen, 1495

They get smaller every year.
Codex Manesse (c. 1304)

"Statute Forbidding Any One to Annoy or Unduly Injure the Freshmen. Each and every one attached to this university is forbidden to offend with insult, torment, harass, drench with water or urine, throw on or defile with dust or any filth, mock by whistling, cry at them with a terrifying voice, or dare to molest in any way whatsoever physically or severely, any, who are called freshmen, in the market, streets, courts, colleges and living houses, or any place whatsoever, and particularly in the present college, when they have entered in order to matriculate or are leaving after matriculation."

Leipzig University Statute (1495)

A friendly reminder for the new academic year: please resist the temptation to terrify the freshmen with spooky voices, at least for the first few weeks.

How to Make Macaroni, 15th century

Tacuinum sanitatis Casanatense

"Sicilian Macaroni. Make a dough of the whitest flour, one egg white and rosewater-- and should you be preparing two plates of it, put in only two or three egg yolks... these macaroni should dry in the sun and can be kept for two or three years; cook them in water or a good meat broth, and garnish them with grated cheese when you set them out on plates with fresh butter and mild spices. Boil them gently for an hour."

Neapolitan Recipe Collection, Pierpont Morgan Library, MS Bühler 19 (15th c.)

It's a wonder these Italians had time for a Renaissance, given that fifteenth-century pasta had to be boiled for an hour.