How to Prevent Drunkenness, 1653

"How to prevent drunkenness. Drink first a good large draught of Sallet Oyl, for that will float upon the Wine which you shall drink, and suppresse the spirits from ascending into the brain. Also what quantity soever of new milk you drink first, you may well drink thrise as much wine after, without danger of being drunk. But how sick you shal be with this prevention, I wil not here determine."

Hugh Plat, The Jewel House of Art and Nature (1653)

Or combine these strategies for a foolproof anti-drunkenness cocktail: three parts wine, one part milk, a dash of salad oil. Shake well and immediately reconsider.

How to Say 'Drunk,' 1770

"[T]he simple idea of having drunk too much liquor, is expressed in near FOURSCORE different ways...

 Drunk,
Intoxicated,

William Hogarth, A Midnight Modern Conversation (1732)

Fuddled,
Flustered,
Rocky,
Tipsey,
Chuck full,
Hocky,
Crop-sick,
Hot-headed,
A little how came ye so?
Crank,
Cherry-merry,
Bosky,
As wise as Solomon,

        It is also said that he has
Business on both sides of the way,
Got his little Hat on,
Bung'd his Eye,
Got a spur in his head,
Got a crumb in his beard,
Got his beer on board." 

        The Gentleman's Magazine (1770)

Sometimes I think that the entire eighteenth century had a crumb in its little hat, if you know what I mean.

How to Mix Drinks for Ladies, 1892

"The Ladies' Great Favorite. A large glass, a squirt of Seltzer, a spoonful of fine sugar, fill a wineglass half full with sherry and the other half with port wine, 1 dash of brandy; mix this well. Fill your glass with shaved ice; ornament with orange and pineapple, and top it off with ice-cream; serve with a spoon." 

William Schmidt, The Flowing Bowl (1892)

Ah, the history of the girly drink. But it's not totally clear when and how to combine the glasses of various delights. Perhaps the ornamental sundae functions as a decoy while the lady puts away the wineglass full of booze.

How to Sober Up, 1628

"That one shall not be drunke. Drink the iuyce of Yerrow fasting, and ye shall not be drunke, for no drinke; and if you were drunke it will make you sober: or else take the marrow of porke fasting, and ye shall not be drunke; and if you be drunke annoint your privie members in vineger, and ye shall waxe sober." 

The Booke of Pretty Conceits (1628)

It's best when remedies for drunkenness double as hilarious party tricks. Dousing your naughty bits in vinegar will definitely amuse your drinking companions.