How to Fart, 1530

 The Prince of Humanists *cough*
Hans Holbein the Younger, Portrait of Desiderius
Erasmus of Rotterdam (1523)

"Some teach that boys should keep in the gas of their bellies by compressing their buttocks. But it is not civil to become ill while you are trying to seem polite. If it is possible to leave, let him do it alone, but if not, follow the ancient proverb: Hide the fart with a cough."

Desiderius Erasmus, De civilitate morum puerilium (1530) 

Signature achievements of Erasmus, Prince of Humanists: groundbreaking scholarship, incisive social criticism, and the rediscovery of ancient fart-concealing techniques.

How to Give Someone Gas, 1661

 

"A light to make one Fart. The Operation of this Lamp is wonderfull, which so long as a man holds it, he shall not leave Farting untill he let it go: Take the blood of a Snaile and dry it in Linnen Cloath, and make a Candle with it, and light it, and give it to whom he please, and say, be thou lighted: so shall he not leave Farting till he let it go, which is wonderfull."  

Johann Jacob Wecker, Eighteen Books of the Secrets of Art & Nature (1661)

Just imagine how much better your life will be when you swap your regular candles for these. Power outages, birthday parties, and romantic dinners will be so wonderful.