How to Dress, 1530

Well turned out, you say?
Francis I of France,  c. 1520-5

"Naturally good or bad taste does exist. Things which are useless to the function of an article of dress, for example, are in bad taste... It was once held to be somewhat effeminate not to wear a belt, but nowadays nobody is faulted for this, because with the invention of underwear, shirts, and hose, the private parts are concealed even if the tunic fly open... Slashed garments are for fools; embroidered and multicoloured ones for idiots and apes... If your parents have given you clothing of a superior elegance, do not swivel about to admire yourself or leap for joy and preen yourself in front of other people, for the former behaviour is for apes, the latter for peacocks. Let others admire while you yourself appear unaware that you are well turned out." 

Desiderius Erasmus, De civilitate morum puerilium

Outfit check: your garments are a sexy monochrome, and you're wearing your best hose in case of tunic malfunction. You're looking fine and you know it. But please stop jumping for joy.

How to Fart, 1530

 The Prince of Humanists *cough*
Hans Holbein the Younger, Portrait of Desiderius
Erasmus of Rotterdam (1523)

"Some teach that boys should keep in the gas of their bellies by compressing their buttocks. But it is not civil to become ill while you are trying to seem polite. If it is possible to leave, let him do it alone, but if not, follow the ancient proverb: Hide the fart with a cough."

Desiderius Erasmus, De civilitate morum puerilium (1530) 

Signature achievements of Erasmus, Prince of Humanists: groundbreaking scholarship, incisive social criticism, and the rediscovery of ancient fart-concealing techniques.