How to Bathe in January, c. 7th century

Morgan Library, MS G.74, f. 19r

"January... Four baths in the course of the month; soap with sodium carbonate diluted in wine. Make a compound skin lotion by mixing 3 lb. weight aloes, 1 lb. myrrh, 2 egg yolks; combine these and apply to the skin. This is the quantity per person. Apply it before you enter the bath, and have three bucketfuls [of water] poured over you, then sweat, then go into the open air and sponge the ointment off thoroughly. After washing the ointment off, rub down with cooling wine and egg yolks mixed with hot rose oil, then make love." 

Hierophilus the Sophist, Dietary Calendar

If your bath routine does not involve pounds of lotion and fragrant mayonnaise, you are not living your best January.

How to Make It Through November, c. 7th c.

British Library, MS Add. 19352, f. 101v

"November governs the watery phlegm. This month there must be no baths or anointing: if necessary, just two baths. Among meats, no deer or goat or wild boar or wild goat. All other meats of animals and birds may be eaten, lean, served hot, boiled and spiced; including sucklings. Among fish eat any except the more watery ones, corkwing and gobies, but do not eat scaleless fish. In using spices prefer the bitter tastes. Leek and mallow are good to eat, and all dry foods. Old, light, aromatic wines. Take fenugreek soup occasionally. Make love." 

Hierophilus the Sophist, Dietary Calendar 

Fenugreek soup and chill?

How to Treat the Freshmen, 1367

Luttrell Psalter, f. 157v

“We have learned from certain important and noteworthy persons...  that there are some students who compel (or try to compel) the new students arriving at the university... – both by brazen and evil seizure of their books and other belongings, and by threats and other scams they have devised – to pay, against their will, a penalty for their freshman state (their recent and happy arrival at the aforementioned university!)... by taking them to the tavern and, as a sheep is led to the slaughter, compelling them to join in. And so the decency of conduct which should flourish in the studious, and their gravity of manners and integrity of reputation, is defiled shamefully, and carousals, inebriations, disgusting words, promiscuities, all-nighters both in taverns and around the city at night, housebreakings, and other things we will not mention, ensue. And the reputation of the whole school and all its students is tarnished among prelates and princes and other good and honest people... Let them cease hereafter and utterly, under penalty of excommunication.”

Statute of the University of Orléans

Say it with me now: I will not ransom the freshmen’s books to make them pay for parties.

How to Remove Wrinkles, 12th century

BL Harley 4425, f. 114r

For treating the wrinkles of old women, take a stinking iris, and extract the juice, and smear the face with that juice in the evening, and in the morning the skin will be raised, and it will crack. We treat the eruption with the aforementioned ointment which contains lily root, and by peeling off the skin, after it has been washed, it will appear very fine.  

The Trotula

Who needs Botox and chemical peels when you've got stinking iris?

How Not to Get Expelled, 1484

British Library, Royal 10 D IV, f. 1r (14th c.)

"It is commanded to all students that none of them henceforth in the streets or ways of this town wield swords, knives, daggers, or any other arms, or wander about in costume or with faces covered in these aforementioned places, or stir up horrible clamors at nighttime in the manner of wild asses, or participate in forbidden games either in the taverns of this city or the outlying areas or villages around the city, or attempt to perpretrate there any ill deeds at all, or dare to disturb or injure the inhabitants of this city or any others, either bodily or in property, or dare to afflict them with any other injuries." 

Leipzig University statute, 1484

Pro tip: your extracurricular activities should not involve daggers.

How to Lose Weight, c. 1330

Tacuinum sanitatis, Biblioteca Casanatense 4182 (14th c.)

“They should eat foods of little nourishment, great bulk, and quick digestion, and often bathe before they eat… they should eat many vegetables with sharp vinegar dressings… they should exercise frequently and swiftly before eating, and tolerate hunger. They should accustom themselves to eating once a day and sleeping less, and they should drink old and fine wine…. sleeping little and in a hard bed, frequent sex, and spending time in the sun and in warm houses all make a fat body become slender.” 

Maino de' Mainieri, Regimen sanitatis

Your medieval summer weight-loss plan: sunbathing, sex, and... salad.

How to Use Wheat, c. 1150

Tacuinum sanitatis casanatense (14th c.)

 "Wheat is hot and full of profit. Nothing is lacking in it… But, if anyone sifts out the bran from the flour (which is semolina), and then makes bread from that flour, the bread is weaker and more feeble than if it had been made from the proper flour… Whosoever cooks wheat without the entire grain, or wheat not ground in the mill, it is as if he eats another food, for this wheat furnishes neither correct blood nor healthy flesh, but more mucus. It is scarcely digested. It is not at all good for a sick person, even if a healthy person is able to survive on this food… If someone is ailing in his back or loins, cook grains of wheat in water, and place them, warm, over the place where he is ailing. The heat of the wheat will chase away the powers of that disease." 

 Hildegard of Bingen, Physica  

An advisory from the Medieval Grain Council: white bread will turn you into an ill-blooded mucus-monster. Also, have you tried porridge on your loins? 

How to Improve In-Law Relations, c. 1470

J. Paul Getty Museum MS 27, f. 46v (c. 1430)

"If a woman very much wants her husband to love her relatives and friends whom he has never liked, when they come to visit her with their dog, she must collect urine from the dog and give some to her husband to drink, in barley beer or in a soup, without his knowledge. And after he has given a warm welcome to the dog, he will be friendly with the people the dog loves."  

The Distaff Gospels

Your husband will be humping the whole family's legs in no time.

How to Survive the Winter, c. 1200

J. Paul Getty Museum MS 14, f. 3r (13th century)

"Winter is damp and cold: we should turn to food. Nourishment should be delicious in the winter. Neither purging nor bloodletting is helpful then, and encounters in bed with your lady friend should be moderate." 

Daniel of Beccles, Urbanus magnus

If your New Year's resolutions involved less eating and more sex, you might be in trouble.

How to Exercise in Cold Weather, 1315

J. Paul Getty Museum, MS Ludwig IX 6, f. 2r

"If you will, walk daily somewhere morning and evening. And if the weather is cold, if you can, run on [an] empty stomach or at least walk rapidly, that the natural heat may be revived... If you cannot go outside your lodgings, either because the weather does not permit or it is raining, climb the stairs rapidly three or four times, and have in your room a big heavy stick like a sword and wield it now with one hand, now with the other, as in a scrimmage, until you are almost winded. This is a splendid exercise to warm one up and expel noxious vapors through the pores and consume other superfluities. Jumping is a similar exercise. Singing, too, exercises the chest. And if you will do this, you will have healthy limbs, a sound intellect and memory, and you will avoid rheum." 

Peter of Fagarola, Letter to his sons

Too cold for running outside? No problem – your mock swordplay and singing will definitely impress the other gym-goers.

How to Succeed at University, 1471

Laurentius de Voltolina, The Classroom of Henricus de Alemannia
Liber ethicorum (c. 1360-90), Kupferstichkabinett Berlin

"Anyone attending any lecture must... have his own copy of the reading or a borrowed copy for the time of the lecture (two or three students at most may share the same copy) and, without a reasonable cause, except in the case of a legitimate impediment, he must miss no lecture that he was supposed to hear, or exercise which he was supposed to attend, from the third lecture or exercise after the beginning of the book, and as much as he is able, he must remain from the beginning to the end of the lecture or exercise, nor may he schedule two lectures or exercises at the same hour. 

However many times he has missed an exercise or lecture, or has not remained from the beginning to the end, and all his other failings, he must note down in the outline of his acts, to be presented at the time of the dispensation, along with the excuse (if he has any), and he must write and explain and seek a dispensation, so that according to the greater or smaller number of his negligences and failings, and excuses (if he has any), the professors will be able to deliberate and decide whether he deserves a dispensation." 

Leipzig university statute, 1471

Whatever the excuse (if he has any), I guarantee those profs have heard it before.

(Also, don't torment the freshmen.)

How to Cure a Snakebite, 1303

British Library, Harley 3244, f. 57r (13th c.)

"First, bind the extremity with strong and tight bindings. Second, get an old rooster and pluck its bottom and hold it with its bottom on the bite, and if the rooster dies it is a good sign, because it is a sign that the venom has been drawn out of the body, so apply many roosters until you see that the rooster does not die from the venom." 

Bernard de Gordon, Lilium medicinae 

 Does your first-aid kit include a flock of bare-assed chickens? Be prepared!

How to Wash Your Baby, c. 1320

Getty MS 1, f. 29v (c. 1360-70)

"You should wash the baby after he has had a long nap. In warm weather, use tepid water. In cold weather, use warmer water, but never use scalding water. You should wash the baby two or three times a day, but take care not to wash him so long that he becomes red and overheated. When you wash his ears, make sure that the water doesn't get inside him. And if he, on his own, wants to kick his legs in the water, let him do it, because that builds his strength. If it is winter, wash the baby near the fire. Stretch out his legs and feet toward the kidneys. Bend his joints, and grease them with oil. You should also grease his nostrils with oil. Then dry him off with soft cloths, and if he is cold, warm him up first."

Francesco da Barberino, Reggimento e costumi di donna 

It's important to keep a rigorous baby maintenance schedule: two or three baths a day at the least, and remember to grease the joints so they don't squeak.

How to Maintain a Relationship, 15th century

Walters Art Museum MS W.166, f. 118r

"If a woman places feathers from a capon that has hatched young chickens in her husband's ear as well as hair from the right leg of his dog and from the tip of his cat's tail, he would never forget his love for her." 

The Distaff Gospels

The secret to a lasting relationship: just empty the vacuum cleaner in your partner's ear and you'll live happily ever after.

How to Prevent Pregnancy, c. 1260

British Library Sloane MS 75, f. 87r

"A weasel placed on a scorpion bite helps greatly... if its heel is taken from it while it still lives and is placed on a woman, she will not get pregnant as long as it is there." 

Albertus Magnus, De animalibus

As if you needed another reason to keep a live weasel in your bedroom.

How to Groom Yourself, c. 1200

Walters Art Museum, W.105

 "Let your hair be combed, and your haircut be equally neat. If you are shaggy, have your hairy beard trimmed back. If your eyes are watery, consult a doctor. Let your hands be clean, your sleeves laced up. Don’t have deformed fingernails, or disgusting teeth. Don’t let long hairs sprout from your nostrils. Your feet should not be marred with ugly skin; you should walk elegantly with your head high."

Daniel of Beccles, Urbanus magnus

Don't take this the wrong way, but the Middle Ages would like to gently suggest that you walk those gnarly feet to the pedicurist.

How to Keep Your Cat, c. 1470

Cat Churning Butter, 14th c.
Yale, Beinecke MS 404, f. 148r

"If you have a good cat and you don't want to lose it, you must rub its nose and four legs with butter for three days, and it will never leave the house."

The Distaff Gospels

This trick will certainly prevent your cat from running away. It's less clear whether the cat will stick around because of adoration or poor traction.

How to Slim Down, 12th century

Look like this guy in no time!
BL Royal 6 E VI, f. 179

"If, however, the woman is fat and seemingly dropsical, let us mix cow dung with very good wine and with such a mixture we afterward anoint her. Then let her enter a steambath up to the neck, which steambath should be very hot from a fire made of elder [wood], and in it, while she is covered, let her emit a lot of sweat... We also treat fat men in another way. We make for them a grave next to the shore of the sea in the sand, and in the described manner you will anoint them, and when the heat is very great we place them halfway into the grave, halfway covered with hot sand poured over. And there we make them sweat very much. And afterward we wash them very well with the water of the previous bath." 

The Trotula (12th century)

 You're planning a trip to the seashore, but you're feeling a bit dropsical. No problem: this manure wrap will help you achieve your beach body in no time. And if that isn't enough, you can always bury yourself in the sand.

How to Make Cheese Glue, c. 1300

Tacuinum sanitatis, ÖNB Cod. Vindob. s. n. 2644, f. 30r (14th c.) 

"Take old cheese, and cut it into little pieces, then put them in water for two full days or more. Then grind them well on a marble stone. Then add to them almost as much good quicklime, and grind them well together, and it is the best glue; use it immediately while it is moist. This glue joins wood very well and when it is dry it is dissolved by neither fire nor water." 

Secretum philosophorum (c. 1300)

State-of-the-art adhesive technology circa 1300! Behold its excellence, its durability, its beguiling cheesy aroma.

How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, c. 1380

He's not dead yet.
BL Harley 3140, f. 39r (14th c.)

"Moreover, if there is any doubt as to whether a person is or is not dead, apply lightly roasted onion to his nostrils, and if he be alive, he will immediately scratch his nose." 

Johannes de Mirfield, Breviarium Bartholomei (c. 1380-95)

Don't bother looking for a pulse. The onion reflex is the only reliable sign of life.