How to Bathe in January, c. 7th century

Morgan Library, MS G.74, f. 19r

"January... Four baths in the course of the month; soap with sodium carbonate diluted in wine. Make a compound skin lotion by mixing 3 lb. weight aloes, 1 lb. myrrh, 2 egg yolks; combine these and apply to the skin. This is the quantity per person. Apply it before you enter the bath, and have three bucketfuls [of water] poured over you, then sweat, then go into the open air and sponge the ointment off thoroughly. After washing the ointment off, rub down with cooling wine and egg yolks mixed with hot rose oil, then make love." 

Hierophilus the Sophist, Dietary Calendar

If your bath routine does not involve pounds of lotion and fragrant mayonnaise, you are not living your best January.

How to Avoid Sunburn, 1756

Pierre-Thomas Le Clerc, "Polonaise" (1779), MFA

"Take Deer's Marrow, put it into a sufficient Quantity of Water with Wheat-Flour, and let them settle; then take some Ounces of what subsides to the Bottom and mix it well with a sufficient Quantity of the Whites of Eggs. Plaister your Face with the said Paste when you go to Bed at Night, and wash yourself the next Morning with warm Water. This Method is excellent to prevent Sunburn." 

Abdeker: Or, the Art of Preserving Beauty

The secret to a pasty complexion? Paste.

How to Prevent Sunburn, 1665

Hans Adam Weissenkircher, Helios on His Chariot, c. 1685

"To keep the face from Sunburn, you had best wash with water drawn from the whites of eggs, or juice of soure grapes... or take goats suet well washed in cleare water, beat it in a mortar with rose water, strein it through a thick cloth, then take oile of sweet almonds one ounce, sugar candy two drams, camfre half a dram, boile them all together, stirring them continually that they may be white, when it hath boiled a pretty while put it into a glass for your use. If you goe abroad in the Sun or Wind anoint the face with it, and 'twill preserve your complexion." 

Thomas Jeamson, Artificiall Embellishments (1665)

Don't hit the beach this summer without a jar of homemade goat-fat sunblock. Sun protection factor unknown, ick factor 85.

How to Groom Your Eyebrows, 1563

Christoph Amberger, Portrait of a Young Woman

"Take the galle of a hee Gote or of a she Gote, but the hee Goate is better, and doeth it soner, and rubbe youre eye browes, and the heare will shortly fall awaye."

The Second Part of the Secretes of Maister Alexis of Piemont (1563)

Why bother with plucking or waxing when you could have your eyebrows digested by goat enzymes? Just make sure your salon uses the superior he-goat gall.

How to Bathe in Snow, 1837

Edward Robert Hughes, Heart of Snow (1907)

"Many people who have not fairly tried it know not the value of snow for washing the face and hands. It is a genuine cosmetic prepared by Madame Nature without a particle of any poisonous vegetable, and offered to the public more from benevolence than any pecuniary motives, and particularly designed for the relief of all who are afflicted with an ugly skin. Try in the next light snow that falls. First rub the hands with a piece of bar soap till a sufficient quantity adheres, and then taking up a little snow, rub the hands with the snow and soap until the water drops so pure as not to stain the snow where it falls. Then proceed to the face, and if it does not procure the pure blush of health, you may rest assured there is nothing in the apothecary's shop... that will do it." 

New England Farmer and Gardener's Journal (1837)

Do you have an ugly skin? Are you worried about poisonous vegetables in your cosmetics? Do you have access to some snow? Then this snow cleanse is for you! Hypothermia is also for you.

How to Make Facial Toner, 1660

Johannes Vermeer, Portrait of a Young Woman
(1665-67)

"Of Waters that adorn the Face... Take of the Decoction of a Chicken, Capon, or Hen, three pints, of the juice of Lemmons, one pint, White wine vineger, half a pint, Bean and Water-lilly-flowers, each three small handfuls; Camphure and whites of Eggs, each two drams; mix them and distil them with an Alembick."

Johann Jacob Wecker, Arts Master-Piece (1660)

Wondering what to do with that leftover chicken broth? Adorn your face with it! Obviously.

How to Treat Redness of the Face, 12th century

"Did I overdo it?"
Queen, Lewis Chessmen (12th c.)

"For removing redness from the face, we put on leeches of various colors, which are in reeds, but first we wash with wine the place to which they ought to adhere; they are usually placed around the nose and ears on both sides."  

The Trotula (12th century) 

Feeling flushed? Bloodsucking parasites can help! Just don't forget to remove the leeches of various colors before you go out for the evening.

How to Improve Your Complexion, 1665

Paulus Moreelse, Jeune bergère (c. 1630)

"How to cleans the sweatie and sluttish Complexion... Take thirty Snails prepared, a quart of Goats milk, hogs suet three ounces, camfre poudred two drams, beat them together, and distil them in an Alembick."   

Thomas Jeamson, Artificiall Embellishments (1665)

This serum will restore your natural radiance with its emollient hog fat and active snail proteins (they're all the rage). Goodbye, sluttish complexion!

How to Make Your Own Lip Balm, 1595

"If one use to rub chapped or rough lippes with the sweate behind their eares, it will make them fine, smooth, and well culloured. Prooved."

Thomas Lupton, A Thousand Notable Things (1595)

Little did you know that you have the best lip balm right behind your ear! But don't reveal your secret, or your admirers may be weirded out. Prooved.

How to Detect Makeup, 1677

Artemisia Gentileschi,
Susanna and the Elders (1610)

"So that we may recognize made-up faces, do thus. Chew a bit of saffron in your teeth, and bring your mouth close to her face while speaking, so that your breath will cause the makeup to lose color, and make it yellowish, but if she is not wearing makeup, there will be no harm."   

Pompeo Sarnelli, Della magia naturale      (1677)

After you have executed this clever maneuver, you'll want to return to your library in search of advice regarding "what to do when your lady friend asks why you are creeping around breathing on her face and dear God what is that yellow stuff on your mouth."