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| Vincenzo Leonardi, Common Hoopoe (c. 1619) |
To repel flies, spiders, scorpions, and other animals from your house. Take hoopoe feathers, and burn them in the room, and when these animals smell the odor, they will leave, and never return, and this is proven.
De' Secreti del R. D. Alessio PiemonteseYou'll rest easy tonight in your pest-free, hoopoe-charred bedroom.
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| Wenceslaus Hollar, Summer (1644) |
"In July. Now arrives the Sommers Solstice, which with the fiery Dogge turnes the moisture of our bodies into parched exhalations, which we commonly call cholerick symptomes. And therefore shunne roast or broyled meates. Shunne salt meates, Bacon, and strong Beefe. Spare not to drinke Ptizans, Endive, or Succory waters, which coole the liver. Now you may boldly sleepe in the after noone, so that it be not presently after dinner, and not above an houre. Beware of bloud-letting, Physick, and venerous acts. When you are emptie, bath your selfe in colde water, for that recreates the animall powers."
William Vaughan, Approved Directions for HealthIt's July, and you know what that means: no grilled burgers, no sex, just cold baths and endive water.
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| Cornelius Meyer, Nuovi ritrovamenti (1689) |
"Of Spectacles of pleasure. Simple Spectacles of blew, yellow, red or green colour, are proper to recreate the sight, and will present the objects died in like colour that the Glasses are, only those of the greene do somewhat degenerate; instead of shewing a lively colour it will represent a pale dead colour, and it is because they are not dyed greene enough, or receive not light enough for greene... all colours are not proper to Glasses to give colour..."
William Oughtred, Mathematicall RecreationsYour choice: the spectacles of pleasure, or the shades of pallid death.
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| "A Looking-Glass for Drunkards," 17th c. |
"Shew me a way how a man may drinke much wine and yet not be drunke. To drinke great store of wine, and not to be drunke, you must eate of the rosted lungs of a Goat: or otherwise, eate sixe or seaven bitter Almonds fasting: or otherwise, eate raw Coleworts before you drinke, and you shall not become drunk.
How to make them which are drunk sober. You must make them eate Coleworts, and some manner of confections made of brine; or else drink great draughts of vinegar."
William Vaughan, Approved Directions for HealthOffice holiday party preparedness kit: cabbage, pickles, goat lung.
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| Mattia Giegher, Li tre trattati (1629) |
“Now for a more humble feast, or an ordinary proportion which any good man may keepe in his family for the entertainment of his true and worthy friends... it is good then for him that intends to feast, to set downe the full number of his dishes... and of these sixtene is a good proportion for one course unto one messe, as thus for example: First, a shield of Brawne with mustard: Secondly, a boyl’d Capon: Thirdly, a boyl’d piece of Beefe: Fourthly, a chine of Beefe rosted: Fifthly, a Neats-tongue rosted: Sixthly, a Pig rosted: Seventhly, chewets bak’d: Eighthly, a Goose rosted: Ninthly, a Swan rosted: Tenthly, a Turkie rosted: the eleventh, a haunch of Venison rosted: The twelfth, a Pasty of Venison: The thirteenth, a Kid with a pudding in the belly: The fourteenth, an Olive Pie: The fifteenth, a couple of Capons: The sixteenth, a Custard or Dowsets. Now to these full dishes may be added in Sallets, Fricases, Quelquechoses, and devised paste, as many dishes more, which make the full service no lesse then two and thirty dishes, which is as much as can conveniently stand on one Table... and after this manner you may proportion both your second and third course...”
Gervase Markham, A Way to Get WealthSometimes it's a long week and you're tired and you just need to get some food on the table. And you know what? That's fine! No one is expecting more than 32 dishes. Per course.
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| Tacuinum Sanitatis, Paris, BnF Lat. 9333, f. 96r |
"In October... Arme your body soundly with pleasant wines or spiced drinks against the ensuing Winter. Arme your minde with study, for now this temperate time invites thee to read without impediments either of violent colde or violent heat."
William Vaughan, Approved Directions for HealthQuick, arm yourself with the pleasant wines and long books because WINTER IS COMING
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| Eclipse of 1664 (British Library 1875.d.4) |
"Whosoever desyres to see the Sun eclipsed without hurting their eyes: Let them beholde the shadow therof in a vessel, wherin oyle is put: Where, they may beholde and see it without daunger. For a fatty humor is not easely troubled. And what shapes or fourmes it doth receyve: It representeth the same truely."
Thomas Lupton, One Thousand Notable Things (1579)
"Now I have determined to shew how the Suns Eclipse may be seen. When the Sun is Eclipsed, shut your Chamber-windows, and put a paper before a hole, and you shall see the Sun: let it fall upon the paper opposite from a Concave-glass, and make a circle of the same magnitude: do so at the beginning, middle, and end of it. Thus may you without any hurt to your eyes, observe the points of the diameter of the Suns Eclipse."
Giambattista della Porta, Natural Magick (1658)Forgot to buy NASA-approved solar glasses? These methods are approved by the Past.
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| The Gentlewomans Companion, 1682 |
"An Ointment that takes away all Bunchings and Speckles of the Face. Take of the roots of Ass-cowcumber, white Been, Bryony, Lupines, each half an ounce, Cerusse, Litharge, Tartar, each one dram; Cane-roots, Serapine, Pigeons dung, each two scruples, Oyl of Turky-millet three ounces, Oyl of Juniper, Oyl of Bread-corn, each two ounces and a half; Juice of Orenges four ounces, pouder what is to be pouder'd, and fine searse them, then boyl them all till the Juice is consumed, then take them from the fire, alwayes stirring them with a spattle till they are cold, then add the white of one new laid Egg beaten and streined; Camphure pouder'd one dram, always mixing them, then wash it in one pint of water, prest from yong Canes, washing it ten times in that water, and stirring it with a spattle, and it is excellent."
Johann Jacob Wecker, CosmeticksLook, beauty has a price, and sometimes that price is collecting pigeon droppings and digging the roots of the ass-cowcumber.
“Of the making of Rockets and other Fireworkes. For the making of Rockets of sundry kinds, divers molds are to be made, with their Rowling pins, Breathes, Chargers, &c. as may be seene here in the figure. And having rowled a Case of paper upon the Rowling pin for your mould, fill it with the composition belonging to that mould... now may you loade it on the top, with Serpents, Reports, Stars, or Golden Raine... Touching the making of the Golden Raine that is nothing but filling of Quilles with the composition of your Rockets somewhat hard: Now if the head of a Rocket be loaded with a thousand of those Quilles its a goodly sight to see how pleasantly they spread themselves in the Ayre and come down like streames of Gold much like the falling downe of Snow being agitated by a turbulent winde."
Jean Leurechon (Hendrik van Etten), Mathematicall RecreationsGunpowder + a thousand quills = guaranteed to be a goodly sight.
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| The World Turn'd Upside Down, 1647 |
"To dream that you:
Have your Arm dried up, is very unfortunate.
Have a little Beard, shews Suits at Law.
Go over a Ditch upon a small Plank, signifies deceit by Lawyers.
See Dragons, signifies Gain.
Are Drunk, signifies sickness.
See a Gyant, or a large siz'd Person, is a good sign.
Have a new Girdle, signifies Honour.
Have two Heads, signifies Company.
Lose your Keys, signifies Anger.
Are Kiss'd by Men of great Quality, signifies Consolation.
See the Meat you have Eaten, signifies Loss.
Are stark Naked, signifies Loss and Damage in your Estate.
Take hold of ones Nose, signifies Fornication.
See Old Folks, is a bad Sign.
Write on, or read in Paper, signifies News.
Have Rods in your Hands is Jollity.
Eat a Sallad, signifies Evil or Sickness that will happen.
Study the Sciences, signifies Chearfulness.
Drink stinking Water, signifies a Violent Distemper.
Drink Sophisticated Wine, is an extraordinary good Sign.
Piss against a Wall, signifies Assistance in Business."
The Compleat Book of KnowledgeIf you're dreaming about being kissed by men of poor quality, you're on your own.
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| Ramelli, Le diverse et artificiose machine (1588) |
“The best time for studie is early in the morning, when the Planets be favourable to our purpose… Diligent students… must apply themselves earnestly to reading and meditation for the space of an houre: then to remit a little their cogitation, and in the meane time with an Ivory Combe to kembe their head from the forehead backwards about forty times, and to rub their teeth with a coarse linnen cloth. Then to returne againe to meditation for two houres, or one at the least... As for the residue of the day is convenient rather to revolve things reade before, than to reade or muse of new... Nothing is more hurtfull than studying in the night... notwithstanding I know that such as bee good Students indeed doe spare no time neither night nor day from their bookes... Yet would I have none to study so much, that thereby they should fall into sicknesse, or become melancholick... I counsell all students oftentimes to refresh their wearied minds with some sort of melody. For so shall they drive away the dumps of melancholy, and make their spirits more lively to learne.”
Thomas Cogan, The Haven of Healthe
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| L. van Leyden, A Tooth Drawer, 1523 (Wellcome Library) |
"To keepe and preserve the teeth cleane. First if they bee very yellow and filthie, or blackish, let a Barber scoure, rubbe, and picke them cleane, and white, then after to maintaine them cleane, it shalbe very good to rub them every day with the roote of a Mallow, and to picke them cleane that no meate remaine and putrifie betweene the teeth.
Item, take of the small white pibble stones which bee found by the water sides, and beate them in very small powder, hereof take an ounce, and of Masticke one dramme, mingle them togeather, and with this powder once in xiiii daies rub exactly your teeth, and this shall keepe your teeth fayre and white: but beware yee touch not, ne vexe the gummes therewithall.
Item, to stable and stedfast the teeth, and to keepe the gummes in good case, it shall be very good every day in the morning, to wash well the mouth with red Wine."
Thomas Raynalde, The Byrth of MankindeIf anyone asks about your breakfast wine, just say it's for your dental hygiene.
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| Facepalm Cupid, Andrea Alciato, Emblematum Liber (1534) |
Expressions of Love and Friendship of Men towards Men.
Sir, I'le repay your love with usury.
Sir, When I contemplate your perfections, I begin to abhor my self for my deficiencies.
Sir, Your great Virtues conquer all hearts as irresistably, as Alexander the Great conquer'd Kingdoms.
Sir, You alone can conduct me to the highest pitch of accidental perfection.
Sir, You have deserv'd more Services from me, than I am ever able to perform.
Complemental Expressions of Ladies to each other.
Madam, I am forcibly carried away, (I know not by what fate, against the bent of my own Genius).
Madam, You have blasted the harvest of my hopes.
Madam, Nothing shall have power to alien my love from you.
Madam, In the intercourse of affection my love surmounts your's.
Amorous Expressions of Gentlemen to Ladies, Gentlewomen and Maidens, &c.
Madam, Let the showers of your pity mitigate the fires of my fancy.
Madam, There's a civil assault within me, by which I feel a certain restraint of my own liberty and affections.
Madam, You have no more beauty than will serve to excuse you from being extreamly ugly.
Madam, Your hair negligently dishevell'd, and careless attire, grace forth your beauty; which shines in the midst of so many obstacles, as the Sun in a winter day.
Expressions of Ladies and Gentlewomen to Gentlemen.
Sir, You are the emblem of terror, and your furious looks are able to consume a woman.
Sir, an ounce of give me, is better than a pound of hear me.
Sir, I am like a bed of Roses where flowers are mixt with prickles.
Sir, I am not like the Dolphin whom the sound of Musick bringeth to the shore.
Sir, Farewel, you'r grown rude, I dare not hear you further.
John Bulwer, Chirologia (1644), Folger Shakespeare Library
"The hands very short, doth signifie a gross and rude person: fat and fleshie, with the finger likewise, inclined to theft. Small hands, crafty men."
Johannes ab Indagine, The Book of Palmistrie and PhysiognomyWell, that settles it. Short fingers = vulgarian.
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| Giovanni Battista Ferrari, Hesperides (1646) |
"For a Cold and stuffing in the Head, to draw Rheum from the Head, and comfort the Brain. Take an Orange, and pare off very thin the yellow Rind; rowl it up conveniently to thrust up into the Nostril, turning the inner moist side outward to be next your flesh within the Nose; put a rowl into each Nostril. It will cause sneesing, and will make much water run down at the Nose, and comfort the Brain."
G. Hartman, The True Preserver and Restorer of HealthIf you like your martini with a twist, try your head cold with a twist!
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| Edward Topsell, The History of Four-Footed Beasts |
"If any man shall but touch or kiss with his mouth the snowt or nostrils of a Mouse, and be troubled with the disease called the Rhume, which falleth down and stuffeth the nostrils, he shall in very short space be eased of the same."
Edward Topsell, The History of Four-Footed Beasts and SerpentsCold season checklist: Tissues. Hot tea. The quivering snout of the vulgar little mouse.
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| June calendar page, 16th c. J. Paul Getty Museum, MS Ludwig IX 16, f. 6r |
"The regiment for the time of Summer, June, July, and August. The shepheards in summer been clothed with light gowns and single, their shirts and sheets that they ly in be linnen, for of all cloath it is the coldest... and they eat light meats, as Chickens with veriuyce, young Hares, Rabbets, Lettise, Purselain, Melons, Gowrds, Cucumbers, Peares, Plumbs... They drink oft fresh water when they be thirsty, save only at dinner and supper time, and then they do drink feebl green Wine, single Beer, or small Ale. Also they keep them from over great travell, or over forcing themselves, for in this time is nothing grievouser than chafing. In this season they eschue the company of women, and they bathe them oft in cold water to asswage the heat of their bodies enforced by labours. Alway they have with them sugarcandy or other Sugar whereof they take little and often."
The Shepheards KalenderAh, summer: season of cool linen, refreshing vegetables, and &#$*% chafing.
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| Allegories of the Senses (1561), Wellcome Library |
"To stay the sneezing scratch the Soles of the Feet and Palms of the Hands; rub the Eyes and Ears; smell to white Lilly, and Bath your hands in warm Water... The Phlegm that runs from the Nose like Snot is stay'd by proper Remedies for the Cure of the Brain, whereby the Spring of such Noisome Humors is dryed... use some proper Syrup to correct the ill scent of the Snot's abundance."
The Country-Mans PhysicianAllergy season self-care: foot-scratching, hand-washing, fragrant lilies, and getting rid of the #*$&@ brain snot.
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| A Warning-piece to All Drunkards (1682), Wellcome Library, London |
There are many who when they have drank much Wine, that is the worst thing in the world for them, fall sick, and die of it. Now if you would refrain, and abhor Wine and strong drink... let three or four live eels, put into the Wine, stay there till they die. Let one drink of this Wine, who is given to drunkenness, and he will loath Wine, and always hate it, and will never drink it again: or if he do, he will drink but little, and with much sobriety. Another way: wash a Tortois with Wine a good while, and give one of that wine to drink privately, half a cup full every morning for three days, and you shall see a wonderful vertue.
Giambattista della Porta, Natural MagickThe sommelier recommends: a full-bodied red wine with notes of tortoise grime and a lingering aftertaste of eel death.
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| British Library, Add. MS 35313, f. 1v (c. 1500) |
"Now the daies are shortened, & the nights prolonged, winds are sharp, snow and suddaine inundations of waters arise, the earth is congealed with frost and ice, & all liuing creatures do quiuer with cold. Therefore a man must vse warme and drie meates: for the cheerefull vertues of the bodie are now weakened by the cold aire, and the naturall heate is driuen into the inward partes of the bodie, to comfort and maintaine the vitall spirites. All rost, baked, or fried meates be good; and so are boyled beefe and porke. Veale agreeth not, except it be well rosted. Also wardens, apples and peares may be vsed with wine or with salt for swelling, or with comfits for windinesse. Beware least the cold annoy your bodie. And aboue all things haue a regard to keepe your head, neck, and feete warm. To vse carnall copulation is expedient."
William Vaughan, Naturall and Artificial Directions for HealthSnow day action plan: fried meat and chill. (But for the love of God, keep your socks on.)
