How to Bathe in January, c. 7th century

Morgan Library, MS G.74, f. 19r

"January... Four baths in the course of the month; soap with sodium carbonate diluted in wine. Make a compound skin lotion by mixing 3 lb. weight aloes, 1 lb. myrrh, 2 egg yolks; combine these and apply to the skin. This is the quantity per person. Apply it before you enter the bath, and have three bucketfuls [of water] poured over you, then sweat, then go into the open air and sponge the ointment off thoroughly. After washing the ointment off, rub down with cooling wine and egg yolks mixed with hot rose oil, then make love." 

Hierophilus the Sophist, Dietary Calendar

If your bath routine does not involve pounds of lotion and fragrant mayonnaise, you are not living your best January.

How to Make Green Eggs, 1656

"Take half a dozen of eggs, break them each severally upon a Trencher, and after that beat them all together in a dish, and adde some beaten salt to them, and some few drops of water, or of milk; cause some butter to be mested in a Skillet, and when it is brown fryed pour your beaten eggs into it, and let them fry more or less according to your pleasure, and according as you will have your Omelet to be limber or stiff; instead of butter you may use oyl, if you love it, or any kind of other sweet suet as well in the making of these as all other several sorts and kinds of Omelets. Now in case you desire to have your Omelet to bee a green one, you shall only need to mingle some Green-sauce with your Eggs as you beat them; or in case you make not your Omelet of a green colour, you may as then serve up your Green-sauce joyntly with it, but the usual custom is to eat your Omelet with a little vinegar, and some powder sugar." 

M. Marnette, The Perfect Cook

Do you like them cooked in suet?
This will teach you how to do it.

How to Cure a Nosebleed, 1561

Ortus Sanitatis (1499)

"Beat egges shales to pouder and syft them through a linnen cloth and blewe them into his nose: if the shales were of egges whereout yonge chickens are hatched, it were so much the better. Or els take the dounge of an asse, mixe the same wyth vinegre, and holde the same at his nose. Lykewyse doth the dounge of a Sowe or Swyne that hath eaten grasse.” 

Hieronymus Brunschwig,  A Most Excellent and Perfecte Homish Apothecarye

A handy quiz for identifying effective nosebleed remedies:
1. Did it come out of a farm animal?
2. Did a farm animal come out of it?
If you answered "yes" to one or both of these questions, go ahead and apply it to your nose.

How to Make a Cheesy Omelet, c. 1400

Tacuinum sanitatis Casanatense

"First, heat the pan thoroughly with oil, butter, or another grease as you wish, and when it is good and hot all over, especially toward the handle, mix and pour your eggs into the pan and turn them often with a spatula, then sprinkle on some good grated cheese. Know that it needs to be put on top, because if you grind the cheese with the herbs and eggs, when you fry the omelet, the cheese on the bottom would stick to the pan. That is what happens when you mix the eggs with the cheese for an omelet. For this reason, first put the eggs in the pan, and put the cheese on top, and then cover with the edge of the eggs; otherwise it will stick to the pan."  

Le ménagier de Paris (c. 1400)

If we don't pay attention to the past, we are doomed to repeat its mistakes. So let's break the cycle and put the eggs in the pan before the cheese.

How to Make a Giant Egg, 1660

Scrutinium chymicum (1687)

"To make a great compound Egg as big as twenty Eggs. Take twenty eggs, part the whites from the yolks and strain the whites by themselves, and the yolks by themselves; then have two bladders, boil the yolks in one bladder, fast bound up as round as a ball, being boild hard put it in another bladder, and the whites round about it, binde it up round like the former, and being boild it will be a perfect egg. This serves for grand sallets. Or you may adde to these yolks of eggs, musk and ambergreece, candied pistaches, grated bisket bread, and sugar, and to the whites almond paste, musk, juyce of oranges, and beaten ginger, and serve it with butter, almond milk, sugar, and juyce of oranges." 

Robert May, The Accomplisht Cook (1660)

So those are your options. Make a giant egg, and serve it with a giant salad. Or raid your pantry for ingredients to make a giant, musky, pistachio-pocked, orange-juice egg, and serve it with queasy regret. Bon appétit!