How to Prevent Drunkenness, 1612

"A Looking-Glass for Drunkards," 17th c.

"Shew me a way how a man may drinke much wine and yet not be drunke. To drinke great store of wine, and not to be drunke, you must eate of the rosted lungs of a Goat: or otherwise, eate sixe or seaven bitter Almonds fasting: or otherwise, eate raw Coleworts before you drinke, and you shall not become drunk.
How to make them which are drunk sober. You must make them eate Coleworts, and some manner of confections made of brine; or else drink great draughts of vinegar." 

William Vaughan, Approved Directions for Health

Office holiday party preparedness kit: cabbage, pickles, goat lung.

How to Prevent Drunkenness, 1653

"How to prevent drunkenness. Drink first a good large draught of Sallet Oyl, for that will float upon the Wine which you shall drink, and suppresse the spirits from ascending into the brain. Also what quantity soever of new milk you drink first, you may well drink thrise as much wine after, without danger of being drunk. But how sick you shal be with this prevention, I wil not here determine."

Hugh Plat, The Jewel House of Art and Nature (1653)

Or combine these strategies for a foolproof anti-drunkenness cocktail: three parts wine, one part milk, a dash of salad oil. Shake well and immediately reconsider.

How to Say 'Drunk,' 1770

"[T]he simple idea of having drunk too much liquor, is expressed in near FOURSCORE different ways...

 Drunk,
Intoxicated,

William Hogarth, A Midnight Modern Conversation (1732)

Fuddled,
Flustered,
Rocky,
Tipsey,
Chuck full,
Hocky,
Crop-sick,
Hot-headed,
A little how came ye so?
Crank,
Cherry-merry,
Bosky,
As wise as Solomon,

        It is also said that he has
Business on both sides of the way,
Got his little Hat on,
Bung'd his Eye,
Got a spur in his head,
Got a crumb in his beard,
Got his beer on board." 

        The Gentleman's Magazine (1770)

Sometimes I think that the entire eighteenth century had a crumb in its little hat, if you know what I mean.

How to Intoxicate Waterfowl, 1777

Widgeon Duck, 1790

"Way to intoxicate Water-Fowl. First clean, and then steep in clear Water, for full 4 hours, the Roots, Leaves, and Seeds of the herb Bellenge; then boil them in the same Water, till it is almost all evaporated; and after it is cold, throw it in the places where the Fowls frequent, who, eating eagerly of it, will be made so drunk as to be readily taken; but no time must be lost in catching them, for they will soon recover." 

The Complete Vermin-Killer (1777)

No doubt there are also remedies to cure your newly-caught waterfowl of their hangovers.

How to Cure a Hangover, c. 78

"Wild and cultivated violets... when made into garlands and placed on the head, relieve hangover and head colds with their scent." 

Pliny the Elder, Natural History (c. 78 AD)

Searching the meadows for wild violets is a drag the morning after a Dionysian toga party. But you will have the prettiest hangover since Roman antiquity.

How to Sober Up, 1628

"That one shall not be drunke. Drink the iuyce of Yerrow fasting, and ye shall not be drunke, for no drinke; and if you were drunke it will make you sober: or else take the marrow of porke fasting, and ye shall not be drunke; and if you be drunke annoint your privie members in vineger, and ye shall waxe sober." 

The Booke of Pretty Conceits (1628)

It's best when remedies for drunkenness double as hilarious party tricks. Dousing your naughty bits in vinegar will definitely amuse your drinking companions.