How to Make a Salad, 1660

"Take the buds of all good sallets herbs, capers, dates, raisins, almonds, currans, figs, orangado. Then first of all lay it in a large dish, the herbs being finely picked and washed, swing them in a clean napkin; then lay the other materials round the dish, and amongst the herbs some of all the foresaid fruits, some fine sugar, and on the top slic't lemon, and eggs scarce hard cut in halves, and laid round the side of the dish, and scrape sugar over all; or you may lay every fruit in partitions several."

Robert May, The Accomplisht Cook (1660)

In the good old days, salad was a sugar delivery system, and a salad spinner was a cook with a napkin.

How to Make Someone Die of Laughter, 13th century

Vein Man needs some armpit phlebotomy, stat.
BL Harley 3719, f. 158v (14th c.)

"Beneath the armpits are certain veins called "ticklish" which, if they are cut, cause a man to die of laughter." 

Richardus Salernitanus (13th c.?)

Tired of people not laughing at your jokes? You could just stab them in the armpits...

How to Tell a Secret, 1660

Not suspicious.
Caravaggio, Cardsharps (c. 1595)

"Voices may be concealed six wayes: First by absence, and this is the safest way, and if it be not discovered, it cannot be suspected. Then follows mumbling or low speaking, which is unseemly and full of suspition, and ofttimes is the cause of great mischiefs. The third is to speak in a forrain Tongue, as Greek, Latin, Germane, Italian; this also breeds suspition and is unseemly. The fourth is by nodding, as Men playing, but this is most ridiculous and unhandsome. The fift is by words that signifie other things... and this wants long observation: yet if one can do it handsomely there can be no suspition... The sixt is when we speak by cutting off some words, or pieces, this is not rediculous, and becomes a Grave man, because it makes a doubtfull sense, and it is so lawfull that it is familiar in the Writings of great Men."

Johann Jacob Wecker, Eighteen Books of the Secrets of Art and Nature (1660)

Relaying secret messages is tough. Mumbling is unseemly, nodding is silly, and Secret German rarely works in Germany. Instead, just leave out a few syllables and words here and there. Your secret may be mangled, but bystanders will have to agree that you are... not ridiculous.

How to Use Tomatoes, 1794

"Love-Apples... The fruit of the wild sort is no bigger than a cherry; but those that grow in gardens are as big as a small apple, very round and red, and therefore called pomum amoris; some call them tomatoes. It hath a small sharp-pointed jagged leaf, growing very thick upon its stalk and branches; its fruit is round and red, or of an orange colour. I have eat five or six raw at a time: They are full of a pulpy juice, and of small seeds, which you swallow with the pulp, and have something of a gravy taste... the fruit, boiled in oil, is good for the itch." 

Henry Barham, Hortus Americanus (1794)

Do you like gravy? Are you itchy? Then the love-apple is the New World fruit for you-- perfect for snacking and for smearing all over yourself.

How to Cure Cramps, 1739

"For the Cramp. Take of rosemary-leaves, and chop them very small, and sew them in fine linen, and make them into garters, and wear them night and day."

Eliza Smith, The Compleat Housewife (1739)

You know what they say: one person's cramp remedy is another person's herbal undergarment.

How to Tell Time With Your Hand, 1633

Pocket Sundial, c. 1640
Harvard University

"[T]o see onely by the hand what of the clocke it is...  may bee practiced by the left hand in this manner. Take a straw or like thing of the length of the Index, or the second finger, hold this straw very right betweene the thumbe and the right finger, then stretch forth the hand and turne your backe and the palme of your hand towards the Sunne; so that the shaddow of the muscle which is under the thumbe touch the line of life, which is betweene the middle of the two other great lines, which is seene in the palme of the hand; this done, the end of the shaddow will shew what of the clocke it is; for at the end of the great finger it is 7 in the morning or 5 in the evening; at the end of the Ring finger it is 8 in the morning, or 4 in the evening; at the end of the little finger or first joynt, it is 9 in the morning, or 3 in the afternoone; 10 and 2 at the second joynt, 11 and 1 at the third joynt, and midday in the line following, which comes from the end of the Index." 

Hendrik van Etten, Mathematicall Recreations (1633)

In theory, this ingenious method will allow you to tell time using only a straw. But you'll be lucky if you manage to calculate the time before the sun sets, and you may inadvertently offend passersby with your finger gestures.

How to Eat Politely, 1651

"If thou soakest thy bread or meat in the sauce, soak it not againe, after that thou hast bitten it, dip therein at each time a reasonable morsell which may be eaten at one mouthfull." 

Francis Hawkins, Youths Behaviour 

From the same authority who told you not to be a close-talker, more timeless advice: don't be a double-dipper.