How to Make Ketchup, 1774

"To make catchup to keep twenty years. Take a gallon of strong stale beer, one pound of anchovies washed from the pickle, a pound of shalots, peeled, half an ounce of mace, half an ounce of cloves, a quarter of an ounce of whole pepper, three or four large races of ginger, two quarts of the large mushroom-flaps rubbed to pieces. Cover all this close, and let it simmer till it is half wasted, then strain it through a flannel-bag; let it stand till it is quite cold, then bottle it. You may carry it to the Indies."

Hannah Glasse, The Art of Cookery (1774)

Planning a twenty-year sea voyage to the Indies, but unsure which condiments to pack? This mushroomy ketchup will sustain and console you for decades. 

How to Stay Young, 1489

Portrait of Marsilio Ficino
Domenico Ghirlandaio, Zacariah in the Temple (1486-90)

"There is a common and ancient opinion that certain prophetic women who are popularly called ‘screech-owls’ suck the blood of infants as a means, insofar as they can, of growing young again. Why shouldn’t our old people... likewise suck the blood of a youth? — a youth, I say who is willing, healthy, happy and temperate, whose blood is of the best but perhaps too abundant. They will suck, therefore, like leeches, an ounce or two from a scarcely-opened vein of the left arm; they will immediately take an equal amount of sugar and wine; they will do this when hungry and thirsty and when the moon is waxing. If they have difficulty digesting raw blood, let it first be cooked together with sugar; or let it be mixed with sugar and moderately distilled over hot water and then drunk." 

Marsilio Ficino, De vita libri tres (1489)

One wonders how difficult it was to find a willing youth to serve as an ingredient for Ficino's rejuvenating recipes. 

How to Make Facial Toner, 1660

Johannes Vermeer, Portrait of a Young Woman
(1665-67)

"Of Waters that adorn the Face... Take of the Decoction of a Chicken, Capon, or Hen, three pints, of the juice of Lemmons, one pint, White wine vineger, half a pint, Bean and Water-lilly-flowers, each three small handfuls; Camphure and whites of Eggs, each two drams; mix them and distil them with an Alembick."

Johann Jacob Wecker, Arts Master-Piece (1660)

Wondering what to do with that leftover chicken broth? Adorn your face with it! Obviously.

How to Deal With a Unibrow, 1881

Konstantin Makovsky,
Portrait of a Woman (c. 1870)

"Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement, but there is no remedy for it. It may be a consolation for such people to know that the ancients admired this style of eyebrows, and that Michael Angelo possessed it. It is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs; and if a depilatory is applied, a mark like that of a scar left from a burn remains, and is more disfiguring than the hair."

John H. Young, Our Deportment (1881)

Here's a novel approach to the unibrow: ditch the tweezers and just tell everyone you're the next Michelangelo.

How to Treat Redness of the Face, 12th century

"Did I overdo it?"
Queen, Lewis Chessmen (12th c.)

"For removing redness from the face, we put on leeches of various colors, which are in reeds, but first we wash with wine the place to which they ought to adhere; they are usually placed around the nose and ears on both sides."  

The Trotula (12th century) 

Feeling flushed? Bloodsucking parasites can help! Just don't forget to remove the leeches of various colors before you go out for the evening.

How to Choose Wine, 1689

Jan Vermeer, The Glass of Wine (c. 1660)

"Good Wine ought to be clean, pure, and clear, inclining to a red, called Claret, or Cherry-colour; but let it be of stony and mountainous Places, situate towards the South. Let it be of an excellent Odour, for such wine increases the subtill Spirits, nourishes excellently, and breeds very good Blood; let it be of a pleasant Taste, but let it by no means be too sharp or sweet, but of a middle temper, for if too sweet, it inflames, obstructs, and fills the Head, but the sharp or sowr Wine hurts the Nerves and Stomach, and begets Crudities... The gross, stinking, corrupted, flat Wines, are unpleasant to the Taste, and unwholesom; all which are to be avoided, for they cause the Head-ach, corrupt the Blood, breed melancholick Spirits, and in short, are destructive to the whole body."  

John Chamberlayne, A Family-Herbal (1689)

Here's a tip: if the sommelier tries to interest you in a gross, stinking, corrupted, flat wine, just say no.

How to Make Chocolate, 1685

Joannes de Laet, L'histoire du Nouveau Monde, 1640

"Take seven hundred Cacao Nuts, a pound and a half of white Sugar, two ounces of Cinnamon, fourteen grains of Mexico Pepper, call'd Chile or Pimiento, half an ounce of Cloves, three little Straws or Vanilla's de Campeche, or for want thereof, as much Annis-Seed as will equal the weight of a shilling, or Achiot a small quantity as big as a Filbeard, which may be sufficient only to give it a colour; some add thereto Almonds, Filbeards, and the Water of Orange Flowers." 

The Manner of Making of Coffee, Tea, and Chocolate (1685)

Hankering for some spicy 17th-century chocolate? Well, what are you waiting for? Those seven hundred cacao nuts aren't going to count themselves.