How to Light a Fire, 1628

"An easie way to procure Fire speedily. Take a round Glasse, and fill it with faire water, and set it against the Sun, so that it may stand fast: then take something that is very dry and hold it neere the Glasse (betweene the glasse and the Sun) and it will set the thing so holden on fire: which is very strange to behold, the rather, because Fire which is an hot and dry Element, is procured out of Water, which is a cold and moist Element."  

The Booke of Pretty Conceits (1628)

This is a great trick if you can get the angle just right. If not, though, you'll still end up with a nice glass of lukewarm water. Win!

How to Make a Pumpkin Pie, 1670

Still Life with Pies (17th c.) 

"To make a Pompion-Pie. Having your Paste ready in your Pan, put in your Pompion pared and cut in thin slices, then fill up your pie with sharp Apples, and a little Pepper, and a little salt, then close it, and bake it, then butter it, and serve it in hot to the Table." 

Hannah Woolley, The Queen-Like Closet, or Rich Cabinet (1670)

Paraphrase: prepare your pan, pare your pompion, put it in paste with pepper.

How to Cure Soreness, 1835

William Heath, c. 1828

"To remove great STIFFNESS OR SORENESS after a hard day's ride or hunt. On going to bed, order a pan with bright glowing coals, throw a handful of brown sugar over them, with or without a few juniper berries; have your bed well warmed and fumigated with this sweet-scented steam from the sugar, which, instead of allowing to escape, you should creep into, whilst yet quite warm. All the soreness will have left your bones by the next morning."

Charles de Berenger, Helps and Hints How to Protect Life and Property (1835)

Sore from a hard day of hunting? Just slow-cook yourself with some aromatics, and you'll be tender and luscious in the morning.

How to Make Pumpkin Ale, 1771

Vietz, Icones plantarum (1804)

"Let the Pompion be beaten in a Trough and pressed as Apples. The expressed Juice is to be boiled in a Copper a considerable Time and carefully skimmed that there may be no Remains of the fibrous Part of the Pulp. After that Intention is answered let the Liquor be hopped cooled fermented &c. as Malt Beer." 

American Philosophical Society papers (1771)

This fall, treat yourself to some pumpkin ale-- homebrew of 18th-century American philosophers.

How to Fatten Up, 1660

Or just wear all your clothes at once.

"A Potion to make the Body fat. Take of the flour of Vetches, Beans, Barley, Rice, each alike parts, flour of Lentils, white Poppy, each half as much; flour of bread corn, Turky-millet, each alike quantity, Sugar twice as much, boyl them in a sufficient quantity of Sheeps milk, of which let him take one cup every morning fasting, sleeping upon it half an hour."

Johann Jacob Wecker, Arts Masterpiece (1660)

It's hard to find a multi-grain porridge that doubles as a plumping potion. This one will have you tipping the scales in no time!

How to Catch a Rat, 1768

"Remember likewise, that they are a very subtle vermin, for if they in the least suspect what you are about, you cannot catch them... set your great cage out of the way at some distance that the other Rats may not hear them squeak, for that will baulk your sport and occasion them to run away." 

Robert Smith, The Universal Directory for Taking Alive and Destroying Rats (1768)

Dealing with an infestation of subtle vermin? Robert Smith offers a "method hitherto unattempted," in which you lure the little beasts into what looks like an exciting rat funhouse. Some assembly required.

How to Negotiate, 1597

The Somerset House Conference, 1604

"It is better dealing with men in appetite then with those which are where they would be... In dealing with cunning persons, we must ever consider their endes to interpret their speeches, and it is good to say little to them, and that which they least looke for." 

Francis Bacon, "Of Negotiating" (1597) 

Some timely advice for Washington -- although "cunning" seems like too generous a term for Congress.