How to Bathe in Snow, 1837

Edward Robert Hughes, Heart of Snow (1907)

"Many people who have not fairly tried it know not the value of snow for washing the face and hands. It is a genuine cosmetic prepared by Madame Nature without a particle of any poisonous vegetable, and offered to the public more from benevolence than any pecuniary motives, and particularly designed for the relief of all who are afflicted with an ugly skin. Try in the next light snow that falls. First rub the hands with a piece of bar soap till a sufficient quantity adheres, and then taking up a little snow, rub the hands with the snow and soap until the water drops so pure as not to stain the snow where it falls. Then proceed to the face, and if it does not procure the pure blush of health, you may rest assured there is nothing in the apothecary's shop... that will do it." 

New England Farmer and Gardener's Journal (1837)

Do you have an ugly skin? Are you worried about poisonous vegetables in your cosmetics? Do you have access to some snow? Then this snow cleanse is for you! Hypothermia is also for you.

How to Sweet Talk Your Lady, 1656

"Instructions for Lovers: teaching them, how to demean themselves towards their Sweet-hearts. You must not accost them with a shrug, as if you were lowsie: With, 'your Ladie', 'best Ladie', or 'most super-excellent Ladie': neither must you let your words come rumbling forth, ushered in with a good full mouth'd, Oath, as 'I love you'... But you must in fine gentle words, deliver your true affection: Praise your Mistress Eies, her Lip, her Chin, her Nose, her Neck, her Face, her Hand, her Feet, her Leg, her Waste, her every thing." 

Cupids Master-piece, or, The Free-school of Witty and Delightful Compliments (1656)

Some dos and don'ts for addressing your most super-excellent lady! Don't say "I love you." Do praise her various body parts. (Careful with that 17th-century spelling, though: it's her waist you want to praise.)

See here for more amorous compliments.

How to Speak French, 1694

Antoine Watteau, La Boudeuse

Model dialogue from Abel Boyer, The Compleat French-Master (1694):

Que faites vous?                                  What do you do?
Je ne fais rien.                                       I do nothing.
Que dites vous?                                   What do you say?
Je ne dis rien.                                        I say nothing.
Taisez vous.                                         Hold your tongue.
Ne dites mot.                                       Say not a word.
Demeurez en repos.                          Be quiet.
Ne faites pas du bruit.                      Don't make a noise.
Quel tintamarre faites vous la?   What a thundering noise you make there?
Vous me rompez la tête.                 You break my head.
Vous m'étourdissez.                        You make my head giddy.
O! que vous êtes incommode.     Oh! how troublesome you are. 

On second thought, the Compleat French-Master suggests that you just keep your troublesome mouth shut while in France. Vous me rompez la tête!

How to Discuss Meat Carving, 1673

Unknown, The Chef (17th century)

"In cutting up all manner of small Birds, it is proper to say, Thigh them; as thigh that Woodcock, thigh that Pidgeon; but as to others say, Mince that Plover, Wing that Quail, and wing that Partridge, Allay that Pheasant, Untach that Curlew, Unjoint that Bittern, Disfigure that Peacock, Display that Crane, Dismember that Hern, Unbrace that Mallard, Frust that Chicken, Spoil that Hen, Sauce that Capon, Lift that Swan, Rear that Goose, Tire that Egg. As to the flesh of Beasts, Unlace that Coney, Break that Deer, and Leach that Brawn. For Fish; Chine that Salmon, String that Lamprey, Splat that Pike, Sauce that Plaice, and Sauce that Tench, Splay that Bream, Side that Haddock, Tusk that Barbel, Culpon that Trout; Transon that Eel, Tranch that Sturgeon, Tame that Crab, Barb that Lobster." 

Hannah Woolley, The Gentlewomans Companion (1673)

How many times have you found yourself at a loss for words while cutting up a bittern? Or unsure whether it's appropriate to disfigure a peacock? Now you can prepare dinner with confidence in your linguistic integrity.

How to Make White-Out, 1563

"For to make a water that will take out incontinent letters from the Paper. Ye shall take a pound of blewe vitrioll, three pound of salt peter, and four unces of Vermillion and fyve pounde of Alome, and stampe them all together, and make thereof a pouder, & stille it in some vessell of glasse with a small fire, & there will come out two manner of waters the first white, & the second greene. If you take a little of the first & laie it upon the lefe of Paper written, rubbing it with a greene clothe somewhat course or roughe, it will take away the letters from the Paper, & leave it as white as yf there had never bene incke upon it." 

The Second Part of the Secretes of Maister Alexis of Piemont (1563)

The secret that celebrity scribes don't want you to know! This scribal error correction fluid will make your manuscript appear effortlessly flawless even after an episode of literary incontinence.

How to Handle Books, 1345

Yale, Beinecke Marston MS 67, f. 66r

"And in the first place as to the opening and closing of books, let there be due moderation, that they be not unclasped in precipitate haste, nor when we have finished our inspection be put away without being duly closed. For it behoves us to guard a book much more carefully than a boot. 

But the race of scholars is commonly badly brought up, and unless they are bridled in by the rules of their elders they indulge in infinite puerilities...You may happen to see some headstrong youth lazily lounging over his studies, and when the winter's frost is sharp, his nose running from the nipping cold drips down, nor does he think of wiping it with his pocket-handkerchief until he has bedewed the book before him with the ugly moisture.... He does not fear to eat fruit or cheese over an open book, or carelessly to carry a cup to and from his mouth... 

But the handling of books is specially to be forbidden to those shameless youths, who as soon as they have learned to form the shapes of letters, straightway, if they have the opportunity, become unhappy commentators, and wherever they find an extra margin about the text, furnish it with monstrous alphabets, or if any other frivolity strikes their fancy, at once their pen begins to write it."

 Richard de Bury, Philobiblon (1345)

Hello, reader! This head-cold season, please remember that your book is not a Kleenex. Also, medieval manuscripts and cheese are not a great combination.

How to Make a Rainbow, 1633

Peter Paul Rubens, Landscape With a Rainbow (c. 1638)

"The Rainebow is a thing admirable in the world, which ravisheth often the eyes and spirits of men in consideration of his rich intermingled colours which are seene under the cloudes, seeming as the glistering of the starres, pretious stones, & ornaments of the most beautious flowers... I will shew you how you may doe it at your doore, by a fine and facill experiment. Take water in your mouth, and turne your backe to the Sunne, and your face against some obscure place, then blow out the water which is in your mouth, that it may bee sprinkled in small drops and vapours: you shall see these atomes vapours in the beames of the Sunne to turne into a faire Rainebow, but all the griefe is that it lasteth not but soone is vanished." 

Hendrik van Etten, Mathematicall Recreations (1633)

Did you know that you have a beauteous rainbow inside of you? And that you can ravish mens' spirits with its rich intermingled colors? Just make sure that they are not standing directly in the path of your mouth-rainbow.