How to Break Up a Party, 1659

Jan Steen, A Merry Party (c. 1660)

"A fine Conceit, to clear a Room of drunken, or rude company. Take a Chafingdish of clear Charcoals, or live Wood-coals; throw Giney Pepper on it, and put it under the table, and they will both cough, sneez, fart, and spew, if they have drunk hard. You may do the like with Assa-fœtida, and Euforbium. The same put into a hollow Tooth, easeth the pain." 

Richard Amyas, An Antidote Against Melancholy (1659)

House filled with drunken merrymakers? This 17th-century smoke bomb will send them out the door with a fanfare of explosive convulsions. (Also note that, like any good Early Modern remedy, it doubles as a cure for toothache. Hopefully without the above-mentioned side effects.)

How to Choose Honey, 4th century

1655 engraving of Childeric I's golden bees (5th c.)

"We recall that in all treatments the honey which is most effective is that in which there are dead bees. If you happen to use it, it will be worth seeking out."

Plinii Secundi qui feruntur de medicina libri tres (4th century)

There's no better sweetener for your therapeutic cup of tea than honey studded with embalmed bees. Drink up!

How to Make Cheese Glue, c. 1300

Tacuinum sanitatis, ÖNB Cod. Vindob. s. n. 2644, f. 30r (14th c.) 

"Take old cheese, and cut it into little pieces, then put them in water for two full days or more. Then grind them well on a marble stone. Then add to them almost as much good quicklime, and grind them well together, and it is the best glue; use it immediately while it is moist. This glue joins wood very well and when it is dry it is dissolved by neither fire nor water." 

Secretum philosophorum (c. 1300)

State-of-the-art adhesive technology circa 1300! Behold its excellence, its durability, its beguiling cheesy aroma.

The Past Asks You: An Enchanted Ecosystem, 1494

It's time for another installment of The Past Asks You. Post your answer in the comments!

Universitätsbibliothek Graz MS 1, f. 409v (1481)

"A mouse is at the top of a tree 60 braccia*  high, and a cat is on the ground at its foot. The mouse descends 1/2 of a braccio a day and at night it turns back 1/6 of a braccio. The cat climbs one braccio a day and goes back 1/4 of a braccio each night. The tree grows 1/4 of a braccio between the cat and the mouse each day and it shrinks 1/8 of a braccio every night. In how many days will the cat reach the mouse?" 

Luca Pacioli, Summa de arithmetica geometria proportioni et proportionalita (1494)

Do you ever feel like this cat? All you want is to catch the mouse, but for some reason you always seem to take four steps forward and one step back, and the mouse keeps scurrying around incoherently, and maybe you're crazy but you're starting to think that even the height of the tree is inconsistent?

*The Early Modern Italian braccio is the length of an arm, roughly 23 inches. Unless you have weird arms that grow during the day and shrink at night.

How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, c. 1380

He's not dead yet.
BL Harley 3140, f. 39r (14th c.)

"Moreover, if there is any doubt as to whether a person is or is not dead, apply lightly roasted onion to his nostrils, and if he be alive, he will immediately scratch his nose." 

Johannes de Mirfield, Breviarium Bartholomei (c. 1380-95)

Don't bother looking for a pulse. The onion reflex is the only reliable sign of life.

How to Groom Your Eyebrows, 1563

Christoph Amberger, Portrait of a Young Woman

"Take the galle of a hee Gote or of a she Gote, but the hee Goate is better, and doeth it soner, and rubbe youre eye browes, and the heare will shortly fall awaye."

The Second Part of the Secretes of Maister Alexis of Piemont (1563)

Why bother with plucking or waxing when you could have your eyebrows digested by goat enzymes? Just make sure your salon uses the superior he-goat gall.

How to Care for a Newborn, 1254

Queen Mary Psalter, BL Royal MS 2 B vii, f. 314v (1310-20)

“After the woman has delivered the child, you should know how to take care of the child. Know that as soon as the child is born, it should be wrapped in crushed roses mixed with fine salt… And when one wishes to swaddle [the baby], the members should be gently couched and arranged so as to give them a good shape, and this is easy for a wise nurse; for just as wax when it is soft takes whatever form one wishes to give to it, so also the child takes the form which its nurses give to it. And for this reason, you should know that beauty and ugliness are due in large measure to nurses. And when its arms are swaddled, and the hands over the knees, and the head lightly swaddled and covered, let it sleep in the cradle.” 

Aldobrandino of Siena, Regimen for the Body (1254)

Don’t worry: caring for a newborn is as easy as curing a ham. Just salt it with some aromatics, arrange it nicely, and wait for it to age.