How to Use Bacon, c. 530

"The Little Hunt," Villa Romana del Casale, Piazza Armerina (4th c.)

"At this point I will explain how bacon may be eaten to the best effect... if it has been simply roasted in the same way as a joint of meat, the fat drains into the fire and the bacon becomes dry, and whoever eats it is harmed and not benefited; it also produces bad humors and causes indigestion. But if bacon that has been boiled and cooled is eaten, it is more beneficial... As for raw bacon which, so I hear, the Franks have a habit of eating... they are healthier than other people because of this food. Let me give a good example so that what I am writing may be believed: thick bacon, placed for a long time on all wounds, be they external or internal or caused by a blow, both cleanses any putrefaction and aids healing. Look at what power there is in raw bacon, and see how the Franks heal what doctors try to cure with drugs or with potions." 

Anthimus, On the Observance of Foods (c. 511-534)

Well, the bad news from Late Antiquity is that your crispy bacon is giving you bad humors. On the plus side, though, no medical treatment beats a bacon Band-Aid. Who needs emergency medical care when you've got raw bacon?

How to Make Snail Bread, 1685

Joachim Camerarius, Symbolorum et Emblematum 4 (1604)

"A sort of Bread, of which a Mouthful can maintain a Man eight daies, without eating any thing else. Take a quantity of Snails, and make them void their sliminess; then dry and reduce them to fine Powder, of which make a Loaf, with a Mouthful of which a Man may be eight days without eating." 

Nicolas Lémery, Modern Curiosities of Art & Nature (1685)

One bite of this special bread and the idea of eating anything at all will nauseate you for eight days! The only problem: to learn how to make snails void their sliminess, you'll have to consult a different manual.

How to Wear Platform Shoes, 1600

Vecellio, Habiti antichi e moderni (1598)

"Now in order to walk nicely, and to wear chopines properly on one's feet, so that they do not twist or go awry (for if one is ignorant of how to wear them, one may splinter them, or fall frequently, as has been and still is observed at parties and in church), it is better for [the lady] to raise the toe of the foot she moves first when she takes a step, for by raising it thus, she straightens the knee of that foot, and this extension keeps her body attractive and erect, besides which her chopine will not fall off that foot. Also by thus raising it she avoids sliding it along [the ground], nor does she make any unpleasant noise. Then she should put it down, and repeat the same thing with the other foot (which follows)... By walking this way, therefore, even if the lady's chopines are more than a handbreadth-and-a-half high, she will seem to be on chopines only three fingerbreadths high, and will be able to dance flourishes and galliard variations at a ball, as I have just shown the world this day." 

Fabritio Caroso, Nobilità di dame (1600)

Have you ever fallen on your face at a party in your six-inch platforms? Awkward! And it's even worse when it happens in church. Just practice this technique and you'll be strutting like a Venetian courtesan in no time.

How to Cure Gas, 1685

The Tench
Izaak Walton, The Compleat Angler (1653)

"Against the Wind in the Belly. Apply a living Tench to the Patients Navel, the Head being upwards towards the Stomach; and tye it fast on with a Napkin; and there leave it twenty four hours, till it be dead; then bury it in the Dung, and you will see the Wind will vanish." 

Nicolas Lémery, Modern Curiosities of Art & Nature (1685)

If anyone asks why you have a dying fish strapped to your abdomen, just explain that it's for your wind problem. I promise they'll leave you alone.

How to Walk With Ladies, 1891

"Always keep to the right of the sidewalk, and never pass in front of a lady coming at right angles at a street corner, unless a distance of six feet intervene between said lady and the crossing-point when you reach it... When walking with a lady keep either a military step, or if her step is too short for your comfort, then take a Newport drag pace, taking care that the body does not rise much, thus preventing a see-saw appearance... A distance of half a foot should be kept between the lady and yourself at all times when the walk is not crowded; this is necessary always in the daytime, and also in the evening unless the acquaintance is such as permits taking arms. Never lock arms in the daytime." 

Mortimer Delano de Lannoy, Simplex Munditiis. Gentlemen (1891) 

Walking: perhaps you think you have mastered this art. You are wrong. Until you can perform instinctive calculus operations on street corners and execute a smooth Newport drag pace, you should not walk in public.

How to Break Up a Party, 1659

Jan Steen, A Merry Party (c. 1660)

"A fine Conceit, to clear a Room of drunken, or rude company. Take a Chafingdish of clear Charcoals, or live Wood-coals; throw Giney Pepper on it, and put it under the table, and they will both cough, sneez, fart, and spew, if they have drunk hard. You may do the like with Assa-fœtida, and Euforbium. The same put into a hollow Tooth, easeth the pain." 

Richard Amyas, An Antidote Against Melancholy (1659)

House filled with drunken merrymakers? This 17th-century smoke bomb will send them out the door with a fanfare of explosive convulsions. (Also note that, like any good Early Modern remedy, it doubles as a cure for toothache. Hopefully without the above-mentioned side effects.)

How to Choose Honey, 4th century

1655 engraving of Childeric I's golden bees (5th c.)

"We recall that in all treatments the honey which is most effective is that in which there are dead bees. If you happen to use it, it will be worth seeking out."

Plinii Secundi qui feruntur de medicina libri tres (4th century)

There's no better sweetener for your therapeutic cup of tea than honey studded with embalmed bees. Drink up!